Monday, June 29, 2009

Ehhhhhhhhhh......................

Onto my 3rd lot of antibiotics for this damn chronic infection.............. gargh!! I also have a $60 nasal spray script to fill, once I finish the tablets.

Miss23's kids were utter brats this last weekend, sooooo bad, and it's not just me saying it!! the doctor is going to write a letter to the Housing Authority to get the little family a new place, as the current arrangement is responsible for my being sick.

Work is picking up nicely, although if I never have to work or clean up after a 21st again it will be too soon.

My titanium ring is here and is gorgeous - I now want another ring and a bracelet. They don't have any rings that grab my fancy in my size, but there's a bracelet......

I am also lusting after a few Smashbox items, and the worst thing is, it's stuff I would use. I have to work out how to make it fit the No Buy!!

I just found half a bottle of Vanilla Coke I had on the weekend - it tastes so very, very good. Probably because it's a guilty pleasure, and it's room temperature.

I am going to buy some - chipbark kind of stuff this week, and put it on the garden this weekend, weather permitting. Or weather not permitting, depending on the brats behaviour. I am going to start with 1 metre, and see how far it goes. It's $45m, so not too exxy. I weeded last weekend in preparation for this. I just want the garden relatively weed-free and controllable before we go away.

Only 4 weeks til we leave!!!! The most exciting part for me at the moment, is the fact taht I will have a month of sleeping in a real bed!!

Web Design is sucking royally - I wish I didn't have to keep my brain active in preparation for Uni next year, but I do. I am having to write HTML in Notepad. Why I ask you?! Frontpage is for writing websites, and there's Google if you get stuck, so why do I have to make my head ache with this stuff? Although I did put in links, lists, headings and pictures by myself, without bothering The Mister - I am pretty stoked with that effort. Oh, and I have changed the background colour 3 times so far! So yeah, while I am hating it, it's not all bad, I get to play with the pretty colours.

Things to do before we go away:

Buy sunscreen
Buy earplugs
Stock up random grocery items
Do my tax return (and pray it comes back in time)
Buy some more Ole H Red Tea Mist (this is a replacement)
Notify Centrelink

As I wrote that, I remembered, I think I am going nutso - I have been stockpiling the esential items for when The Mister and I go away, stuff like toilet paper, laundry and dishwashing detergent, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste, soap etc. What is with that? Everyone here is capable of grocery shopping, but I am stockpiling anyway.

And on that cheerful note, I am off to - do something............

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Blergh!

So, I have a diagnosis - stress-induced fibromyalgia. A change of lifestyle is ordered bwahahahahahahahaaaaaa................

I am tackling Web Design - I have to write HTML code in Notepad - this is what Frontpage and Google were invented for!!

I am also proof-reading The Mister's Qigong system paperwork, and learning the exercises. My poor brain is going to explode!

Mr14 is home with head lice yet again! He is one unhappy camper, and who can blame him!

Mouse is now in a porta-cot - he is growing so fast! Won't be long and he will be crawling around underfoot - that will be interesting. He is still very much Poppy's baby.

Monday, June 22, 2009

Ah bum!!!

I have once again, been to the doctor for what was, for years, diagnosed as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. And finally, I have a hope of a diagnosis that makes sense!! The doctor, after reviewing my files, thinks I have an Inflammatory Disorder! I have Googled (yes, yes, I know, self-diagnosis and treatment are bad) and the symptoms fit sooooooo well. I know the doctor explained, but I was trying to get my head around the fact that I had to have blood taken, and a shot of antibiotics, while my skin feels like 1 great big bruise.

Blood results will be back tomorrow, I am on oral antibiotics, and I go back Friday for another review and chat.

I think The Mister is feeling a bit guilty at the moment, I got home and told him what had been said and done at the Doctor, and his comment was "How can they say inflammation? you aren't sore anywhere." I didn't get angry, or even upset, I just looked him in the face and said "Actually, my entire body feels like a giant bruise, has done for days, that's why I got the appointment." and left it. So now someone is battling the guilts.

I am so tired, I just want to sleep for a week. Which is part of what is wrong with me. I have the electric blanket cranked up, a bottle of water, the TV. And no chocolate. Because it's been upsetting my tum.

Friday, June 19, 2009

Oh, and.....

I am doing well on my No Buy. Scarily well. Especially when you consider it was inspired by a friend (Miss Pink!) mentioning an article about not shopping, which appeared in a magazine whose whole purpose is to encourage people to shop!

I went on this months ago, to force myself to use up the samples and partially used skin and body care stuff I had about the place. Once I got that done, I kept it going so that I would have an excuse to shop up a storm in the States. Although things for my trip were then allowed (clothes etc), most of that I got on eBay, or at retailers on special.

The rules were simple: replacements for dead items only. Gifts for others. I even had a list:

What I am allowed to buy:
Eye cream
Night moisturiser
Hand cream for my bag
Cuticle balm
Shampoo and conditioner
Facial scrub
Razors
Cotton pads for toning after masks
My 3 times weekly cup of coffee/chai - this is my big luxury, and I am not giving it up.


What I am NOT allowed to buy:
Body creams/lotions
Makeup of any sort
Body washes
Masks
Clothes
Shoes
Books/magazines
Jewellery
General accessories
Candles
Chocolate/lollies/junk food generally

I have actually been remarkably good. I didn't give up chocolate entirely (sacrilege to suggest it!) but, I made a concious effort to be aware of everything I bought. And I am doing quite nicely thank you.

I haven't stopped with the non-essentials altogether - I am buying the ring I mentioned in an earlier post, and I bought a bin for next to my desk today, but I am no longer buying stuff (even $5 stuff) getting it home, and going "Why?"

I can justify the ring though - I am getting a new job, and a new job warrants a New Job Present to Myself. Which is how I get the ring.

My Body Shop at Home order? I am almost out of body moisturiser, I have no mascara (I use clear) and can't find any no matter where I look, I love their handcream and Miss Soon to be 4 killed most of the last one. So replacements. And, by sending the order with Miss23, and not going myself, I don't buy non-essential items.

I got my GoSmile toothpaste on sale for 50% off (and it was a replacement), and while the Ole Henriksen shampoo and conditioner I plan to purchase ASAP is exxy, it has eased my scalp dermatitis, at a time when my allergies are going nuts. SO I don't care - although THe Mister might if he saw the price.

My Natural Instincts order? I needed containers that wouldn't smash in my luggage, and this was cheaper than local options, even with postage. Plus, I got a $13 free gift with my $5 order.

I bought 2 sample sized tubes of U/C Daily Moist with SPF30+ for $15 (including postage) enough to get me through til I get home, thus saving $45.

I laybyed 2 pairs of Layne B trainers when they were Buy 1, Get 1 60% off. Got 2 pairs of slippers at a discoutn shop for $15 for the 2.

My plan for shopping in the States? Get me a Cash Passport (on the sly, The Mister won't know) and use that to make the bulk of my skincare/cosmetic purchases. I plan to stock up on Ole Henriksen, because even with the exchange rate, it's 30% cheaper to buy it there.

Now, the picture of this bag......... and my bin, cause it's pretty too.



Still stonkered.................

.............although I now know why. I have 2 people in quarantine - Mr14 and Mr20 have a lurgy. Mr24 and The Mister have nasty coughs. Mouse is 'ish' - but I think he's going through a growth spurt. Sick people wear me out. Not to mention TPN pulled more of his nonsense the other day - that wiped me out.

Also, The Mister has - what's the word I want here - enlisted, that's it - me to help him build a Qi Gong system. Which is great - Qi Gong is all about energy. But until my poor system is used to it, it's going to be hard yards. I get tired easily at the best of times of late, if I have to concentrate, let alone use my brain for 6 hours a day.......... and then have massive amounts of energy belting through my body. He doesn't get it, "It's supposed to energise you!" Yes, well, no doubt it will in the future, but for now, it's a battle. In some ways, I do feel better, I just need a wee kip after each session to gain the full benefits.

6 weeks til we go on holiday and counting. I have more of my bits and pieces for the trip, got given a white handbag to take - a friend gave it to me. It's very nice - I would never use a white bag here, I am a grott, but this one is nice. Will post a pic shortly.

Tomorrow is going to be full-on - Miss 23's children, aged 2 and 3 - Miss3 will be 4 on Monday, so we are having a wee party for her tomorrow. I am exhausted thinking about it - and when did party food get so damn expensive?!

Have decided that I am definitely doing a Combined Degree, Arts and Business. I have NFI what I want to pick in the Arts - I have my first year subjects picked out - Sociology A/B, Psychology A/B, Contemporary Indigenous (HATE that word) Australia, Historical Indigineous Australia, and something else. Probably Intro to Law-Legal Studies. Which gives me options in Sociology, Psychology, Criminology, Aboriginal Studies and Behavioral Studies. I somehow doubt I will go into Aboriginal Studies, I have huge issues with people who claim Aboriginality, harp on about how hard it is, but never in their lives copped any flak.

But I must get a dictaphone thingy for Mum, I want her to pass the stories to me - I need this. For myself, and so I can pass them to my kids. We are both so busy, we don't have time to sit down and talk like that, so I will ask her to record them for me. Modern technology keeping the heritage alive. Works for me!

I had an interesting discussion the other day with a woman from the Heart Foundation, and a couple of random stranger. THF were canvassing for people to donate. We got into a huge discussion about how a lot of people don't know their family health history, I don't know why you wouldn't. And then we got onto how people of different ethnicities (my big word for the week there folks) have different ideas on what is and isn't good for them. It was really interesting. I realised afterwards just how much I miss the mental stimulation of talking to different people. The Mister is super smart, but after 21.5 years, I am pretty sure how he feels about most things, so there aren't a whole lot of avenues left to explore.

Which is why I am super-excited about going back to TAFE - I will be doing a short (4 weeks) course on Evaluating Wines (I'd like to do viticulture, the science of it fascinates me, but I don't have the brain for chemistry), and Cert IV in Supervision in Hospitality *yawn* just to have some interaction with others. I am also doing Cert III IT - Web Design, which will bore me to tears, but it's a new skill, so.......

Monday, June 15, 2009

Ehhhhhhhh!!!

I am so stuffed! I went to Burnie today, to get some info on Uni - it's the closest campus to me. The campus itself was fantastic - oh, I was so comfortable, could have stayed all week.

And then, I had to go back to 'town' to wait for my bus home. It was soooooo depressing. The shops, the people. The whole damn thing. Or maybe it was just me.....

Anyway, enough of that - I am thinking of doing a combined Bachelor of Arts and Business - no idea what the Arts Major would be, but Business would be Tourism. I will start next year, and apparently I am going to apply for a scholarship - I have to apply for a place while I am away (online) and when I get back, go see them to sort out what subjects I want to do, and do the application for the scholarship I apparently want.

Too tired to share more............

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Survived...............

The Notebook helped. Although I think a large part of it was that Mr14 and I had a bit chat beforehand. He and I fight hard (and nasty) when we fight, and we had a bit of a barney yesterday; we hadn't patched it to that point - when he saw me setting up to Notebook, he realised that I was in a bad place, and made the first move. As infuriating as that child can be, he can be so sweet.

T and I are still wrangling, and it's likely to continue. Miss24 has 2 children from a previous relationship - 1 is quiet and well-behaved, the other is a rude brat. I will not tolerate rudeness (of the deliberate variety) in my house, so I step on her. If it's to me, straight away. To her mother, she gets away with it a bit more, but if it goes too long, I go crunch. He thinks I should leave it when she's not doing it to me, but I apply the theory that this is MY house, and MY rules apply to everyone. My friend's children don't get away with it, and neither will anyone else's. Them's the rules. So yeah, I think we will be debating that for a bit yet, at least until she gets over it - she is getting better with it - tends to only do it when she is tired now, as opposed to every time she opens her mouth like she used to.

I also think that at some stage in the future there will be a massive wrangle over me avoiding The Mister's younger sister. We had a bit of a falling out 5 or 6 years ago - I knew what it was about, and never told him about any of it. He knew we had a difference of opinion; obviously she mentioned it. No biggie, I wasn't phased a whole lot - although I thought it a bit petty.

So, yesterday, he called me overbearing, told me I need to remember my manners when we are o/s, as we will be living in other's houses, and brought this up. Now, I was shocked - we (Sis and I) had a difference of opinion, yes, but it had nothing to do with household stuff or manners. She was already embarrassed because Daughter #1 (16 at the time) had already had a go at her about behaving differently because I was there. Then she asked me about Government payments for children; she asked what we had done with our elder ones; I told her, and her older 2 started yelling and swearing at her. Asks me what I would do if they were mine - mine wouldn't dare. Bad move. She's pissed.

So, later on, some of the girls friends come around. Daughter #2 (12 at the time) goes to see some of them off at the driveway, and then leaves. At midnight we pack up Daughter #3, who is maybe 5, and go roaming around the streets looking for Daughters #1 & 2 - 1 went off to find 2, and now both are AWOL. We walk, in the middle of winter, in a very nasty neighbourhood. When I suggest I take Daughter #3 home, as this can't be good for her (and I am tired) I cop a big serve about how I think I am perfect. Since then realations are strained.

Anyway, he tells me that I was in the wrong with her, and I demand to know wtf he is talking about, I did nothing wrong, she asked my opinion, and got it. Nothing more, nothing less. Turns out she told him I was closing windows and doors all the time that she wanted open. Uh huh, I closed the front window when we left, it was wide open on a freezing night, she'd already yelled at the girls about it. And I closed the door of the bedroom I was sharing with Daughter #3, as the light from the hall was irritating me, and she was OK with it. Soooooooo terrible!

Don't get me wrong, I do do things that he finds wrong - at my friend L's, I fold the laundry, make the coffees etc. But that's the type of friendship we have. At our mutual friend F's, if he is rushing around cleaning up because we arrive earlier than he expected, I help him. I run used cups full of water. I stack the newspapers that are thrown all over the lounge. It's what I do. Get over it!!

So yeah, I don't think I will be visiting his sister any more. Hated her on sight, really unimpressed now. Too petty and childish to bother with. I know I am harping on, but I cannot believe she lied. And that he believed her! He knows she is petty, and prone to - exaggeration.

Men!!

Saturday, June 13, 2009

Notebook Night............

Oh boy, I am a mess! I have had a tough week emotionally - the heritage thing, and today the reality of the fact that we will have to put one of our dogs down this winter, and missing my cat. So yeah, tonight is Notebook Night.

I have Cheese & Bacon Balls, fake red wine (alcohol-removed Shiraz), chocolate (had to settle for Cadbury) and am about to dine on meat pie and vanilla coke.

I even went so far as to pick a fight with The Mister - he knows what happens when I am emotionally over-wrought, and even that didn't work. Mind you, I was a little restrained, seeing as the point of contention was his younger sister - stupid, selfish, self-centred, spoilt brat that she is. I cannot stand the woman, hated her on sight 20something years ago.

It's not just the stuff up there that has brought this on, which is why he didn't rip me a new one - weeks of TPN, a 2nd family in our tiny house, work shit, 4 years of legal bullshit, nerves over Uni, the fact that Mr14 hates his school, that Mr20 is going to move away next year, Mum moving away - these have all contributed. As has his health, and the fact that I had to give up my cat earlier this year.

On that subject though, I may have a breakthrough - I rang the RSPCA this week, to see about donating - and I asked about Puss - he went home with one of the volunteers and is very happy, and very loved. So anyway, what got me going on this was, I walked past the vet, and there were kittens in there - that was it, tears galore. Rang the RSPCA, then came home and told The Mister that I want a cat. I expected an outright "No!" but I got, "Let's wait til the New Year, when things are a bit more settled. And there will be restrictions."

I can guarantee that one restriction will be that it must be short-haired - Puss' hair was long and super fine, and caused breathing problems for him. I reckon he will want it kept out of the lounge and bedrooms - but I will go with no bedrooms, and not on the furniture. And if he says no to that, I'll cry. And get my way.

I never use tears to get my way even though it'd work every time - but this time I will. The waiting til New Year is fair, we don't have room atm, we are going on holiday for a month in 7 weeks, I have a new job starting soon, and plan to go to Uni next year. So yeah, fair call on his part.

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

Duck!!

Went to my new place of employment today - faffed about, took charge of the rose garden. Had a ball.

As most of you have guessed, my dilemma the other day was due my Aboriginal heritage. I do not, nor will I, use the word Indigineous (and I am sure I spelt that wrong) to describe my heritage. Pop was part Aboriginal, I copped 'Abo' when I was a kid, and I am NOT going to back down from that, to keep some politically correct drongo happy. I am what I am, and I will call it what I like. Rant over.

Or not, I am on a roll. I get sooooooooo angry when I hear people who have no Aboriginal blood, telling me that 'They are not Aboriginals, they are Indigineous Australians." Ummm, hello? I'm not a bloody Indigineous Australian, I am an Australian, with Aboriginal heritage THANK YOU VERY BLOODY MUCH!! Now get the Hell away from me!

Ok, now I have finished ranting. I feel better. Sorry about that.

So yeah, we are going to, for the first time ever, officially acknowledge our Aborignal heritage. Gah! Big step. F*ck me! I am feeling angry, guilty and emotional, all at once. I am entitled, I am more than entitled, my children are entitled by blood, and yet.............. it feels wrong.

We were raised to never take a handout, and this feels like that.

It goes back to where I grew up, Abos (yes, I know, shut up) were scum. Take anything that wasn't nailed down, sell their kids for a drink, plead poverty so they could buy their smokes/grog/have a bet, no idea of how to keep a job/look after their kids. Some members of my family did those things, yes. They deserved a good solid smack around the head, and those who haven't managed to kill themselves with grog, still do - I cannot forgive the things that happened to the innocent, due to their refusal to control their urges, or even make serious effort. And so, the rest of us were tarred with the same brush. In a small, isolated community (or rather, several small, interlinked communities) this made life very difficult. The rest of us, the ones who didn't do those things (the very few), were forever struggling against that negative image. And it sucked. So, I don't like to claim my heritage, because of the negative memories.

My husband has no idea just how far this went, I don't talk about it. He lived with mainland Aboriginals for a while as a child (as well as having the bloodline himself), and travelled a lot around the Outback, so saw a lot of the problems that these communities faced. He grew up in Melbourne, so his experience was more from the outside. He has no hope of understanding. And I have no inclination to try to get him to. Our world views are too far apart. And I get too worked up. You may have noticed.................

Case in point on that; told him Mum was going to take us out to the Centre, to get it sorted. His response? "You can do it, just tell them who you are, that's all you have to do."

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm NO!! I mean, yes, I could do that, but it's no the way it's done. That's like - I don't know, turning up to your best mate's wedding, at the most expensive venue in town, where black tie is the only look permitted at any time, in old thongs, faded Chesty Bonds bluey and ripped boardies, with a tinny in one hand, and a half-naked, three quarters pissed Ralph centrefold in the other. You just do not do that - there are (unspoken) rules. I would get away with it, but it'd be no less wrong. Thankfully Mr20 understands the etiquette, his response to the same thing was "Pffffffft, nah!."

So yeah, I am a bit up and down at the moment.

And for that reason (and the fact that I have been ranting no-stop in this post) we will no longer be discussing my heritage.

Thank you.

Monday, June 8, 2009

Feh!

I am stonkered, spent 6 hours in the garden today. It looks like a disaster, but that's because I ripped a lot of stuff out, and it got dark before I could clear it away. I am actually going to compost it, and if it decides that rather than rotting down, it wants to grow, I'll rip it up again.


I have a full day tomorrow; groceries, visit the law, and ring TAFE about a couple of courses I want to pick up later this year.


My earrings from a couple of weeks ago are no good, the posts contain nickel, and I am nickel-allergic. Boo!! I wore them overnight that 1 night, and they still haven't healed up.


I am going to buy these tomorrow - titanium, so nickel free. Well, actually, I already bought them, and tomorrow I am hitting the boys up for money - these are my (very early) 39th birthday present - we are going to ignore 40! I also want the ring, and I will have it!!







Sunday, June 7, 2009

Mushrooming


is the best thing! I love going out into a paddock (or in this case,the local high school flood basin), getting wet to the knees, and gathering 'shrooms. Not the pretty red and white ones - they grow out near my Mum's, and besides, they aren't 'shrooms, they are toadies. I remember when we were kids, wheneve we saw them, we were told to stay away, with the threat of getting really ill if we touched them.

So, anyhoo, I went mushrooming today, and I had a blast. I got a great heap of them, and delivered them to Julie over the road; I don't eat them, and neither does anyone else here. It was awesome because it reminded me of childhood, I get to be outside and alone, and there were birds everywhere. I counted a magpie, a crow, a pair of plovers, a crane, several seagulls, a few flying rats, and about a dozen galahs, along with assorted others. Awesomeness!!

And, to top it, I found a faerie ring!!! It was flaming HUGE!!I didn't pick any of the 'shrooms on it - there were only a few - because I didn't want to upset the faeries. We are approaching the Winter Solstice, one of the most important nights of the year for the Fae. The ring is an important part of their ceremonies, and should therefore not be disturbed if you can at all avoid doing so. And I sure as Hell didn't make the mistake of standing in the middle of it either - as much as I am sick of certain aspects of my life, I really don't want to actually go off with the faeries.

And yes, you did read right, I believe in faeries, but they certainly are not the Disney kind.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

I believe..............

You should treat others as you wish to be treated. Always. If you are having a bad day, and you slip, apologise ASAP - and mean it!

That giving up is not an acceptable option. As long as you draw breath, you fight.

It's ok to listen to gossip, but not to pass it on. By listening, you offer an ear to someone who wants to share. By shutting up, you protect someone else.

That respect is to be earnt, by going the hard yards. Age, superior rank in a workplace, a uniform - these things do not earn respect. Deference, yes, respect, no.

That there are a lot of shades of grey out there; not everything is so clear-cut as to be black and white.

We should all remember that being alive is different to living.

Any day above ground is a good one.

Skin colour and country of origin are irrelevent - we all share the same planet, and we all bleed red.

That it is better for an innocent man to go to gaol, than 1 child to suffer at the hands of a monster. Even now. Perhaps more than ever now.

War is evil. But something that the human race cannot seem to get away from. To quote The Boss - "War! What is it good for? Absolutely NOTHIN'!"

As evil as war is, those who fight in them generally aren't. War strips all involved of their humanity. And still, we ship our children off to fight..........

That people need to know you appreciate them/what they do for you. Never assume that they know, always tell them. A simple "Thanks for that" can make the difference in someone's day.

We would do well to remember we were young, 10 feet tall and bullet proof once, and will one day be old, crotchety and most likely frail.

Nothing is worth more than that which you earnt by honest labour.

That no matter what, the best thing you can do in any circumstance is to hold your head high, even when you want to slink away with your tail between your legs.

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Although, some days, you will wish it would kill you. Quickly.

Love is not a given, and there is no such thing as a perfect relationship. Love changes and grows, just as we do. That's why it takes work.

That The Notebook would be close to the saddest movie ever. And that I will always cry when I watch it.

It is definitely better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved.

That you must live and die by your principles. These are the beliefs and morals that define you, and while they may change as you grow older, and experience more, anyone who does a complete 180 for no apparent reason, is not to be trusted. Ever.

There is no such thing as a fair fight. Especially with someone you love. We all say hurtful, nasty things when we are angry. The trick is, realise you do this, avoid it if you can, and if you slip (we are only human) apologise. They will forgive you enventually. In the meantime, let it go, there are only so many times and ways you can say "Sorry!"

It is sometimes better to walk away, than stand and fight. Apply this ahead of the above, and you will save yourself a lot of grief.

That your gut is always right. Always. Listen to it. And accept that it's going to have off days too, and will let scum slip through. Wear what happens, and move on.

We should all find at least 1 thing, every day, that is beautiful, and take time to appreciate it.

That criticism is often a mask for jealousy or insecurity. Take it with a grain of salt. Analyse it when the critic isn't around, work out if they were genuine, or if there was an underlying cause. If you can use their suggestion (as in, it's constructive), do so, and acknowledge their help. If not, forget what they said.

Nothing we do will ever be good enough for some people. That's their problem, not ours.

That being true to yourself is far more important than fitting in with the crowd.

You should smile at everyone who looks you in the face. It's amazing how much better that can make someone feel.

That you can't decide who your friends or family will love. And, even if you loathe the person they choose, you have to grin and bear it.

Sometimes, no matter how much it hurts your heart or your pride, you have to walk away.

That sometimes, even the strongest of us need to ask for help. And that there is no shame in that.

It is better to regret the things you did than the things you didn't. I want to look back over my life, and say "well, it wasn't perfect, but it was one helluva ride!"

That no matter what, there will always be some form of regret, most likely from something you did or didn't do when you were too young to realise that you and everyone you loved weren't going to live forever.

That whoever said, "The pain will pass" about someone dying was full of shit. It doesn't pass, ever. It changes, so that it doesn't feel like someone has ripped your heart out, but it still hurts. And in some ways, that dull ache, and the hole where they should be in your life, is worse.

Friday, June 5, 2009

One long day

Oh, I am so tired. I did a 10.5 hour shift yesterday, and while I've done longer in my time, this is the first one that long in a while. But, as tired as I am, I feel good. Great people, and I enjoyed the shift. Helps a lot.

Nothing hugely exciting to report: TPN is still being psycho, Mouse is still being unbelievably cute - he talked (as much as a 6 week old can) at me today when I walked into his room. He really let loose last night when his mum came in, he was tired and grizzly, she came in and he was all coos and smiles at her. My heart melted to hear him do that, and see her face when he did it.

Mr14 is being, well a 14 year old boy. Exhausting. The Mister is doing better, his cast is off, he has to wear a brace through the day for the next few weeks, but that's it. His physio is helping with the pain in his leg/hip. Apparently it has to do with damage to the nerves in his back. Won't be fixed, but there are treatments that will render him free of that pain.

Mr20 comes home tonight - I have missed him, but not as badly as I thought I would. Probably because whenever he got stuck, he'd send an SMS asking for help. So he still needs his Mum.

I have decided to go to Uni next year, study for a BA with a major in Tourism. I have 9 years to finish it in, I am sure I can manage that, even with work, Mr14 and The Mister. I am a bit excitement.

The big decision is, do I claim the reduced fees I can get? I agreed to back Mr20 in his getting them, because he is entitled, and it'll give him a great boost in his life. Thank you Adorables for helping me clarify my thoughts on that one.

I am no less entitled, but I am going to Uni for a very different reason - myself, not a career. I am most certainly eligible, and if I can be bothered I can verify my Aboriginality up the wazoo, but I don't know if I can be bothered to go through all the rigmarole for me. To do it for my boys is one thing, but for myself, not so much. Actually, Mum is going to do it for the boys, she wants to. She'd do it all for me if I asked her, she would be stoked that I am acknowledging it. But then there's all the ensuing bs, and that I don't want to be bothered with.

Feh!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Moving On

Well, today has been interesting. Actually, the past few days have been. But before we get into that; )(*%*&%(*#(#@*)(%+&!!!!!!!!!

Now we have that out of hte way (nutjob neighbour upset me earlier), lets get down to business.

As I said, the past few days have been interesting. Nothing hugely exciting has happened (nutjob excepted) but I feel like I have come a very long way on the road back to someone like who I used to be.

On the weekend, I think it was Friday night - I dreamt about 1 of the people who f*cked us over for 4 years. It was weird in that the person I was seeing in the dreams was A, but their actions were those of B. Totally odd. I woke up the first time, and had the clear thought 'But A didn't do that, B did.' 2nd time, I sat bolt upright in bed, and announced to the room (thankfully The Mister slept through it) 'I'm healing!!' I felt so elated!

Saturday, I got to thinking about it, and I realised that I might just be doing that. I am no longer angry, nor am I resentful. Indifferent - no, I have just let it go. I will never forgive or forget what they did, and I will always bear the scars, as will the rest of my family, but I am over it, for the most part. I hurt when I see the damage done to The Mister, Mr20, or Mr14 (especially him, my heart breaks), but for myself, and the most part, I am moving on.

The realisation of this hit me like a ton of bricks in the car on the way home from Launie today - Nickelback's If Today Was Your Last Day came on the radio, and the lyrics struck one helluva chord. It's the philosophy I used to subscribe to, before The Dark Time, and one I am regaining.

The other way this hit me was in the Keno course, while waiting for others, we got to talking about certain stuff we had done, and war stories came out. Well, mine did, the other 2 just looked at me in horror/amazement. Although, the lady who came in half way through one said she'd love to go out on the town with me one night, because it sounds like we'd have a great time. Ahhhh, mis-spent youth! I didn't have much of you, but damn! I made good use of you! Like Kelly Clarkson (more on-the-way-home radio) - I didn't hook up, but I lived damn hard. With friend-enforced sobriety (someone had to remember where home was, and as the baby of the group, and the only one under 18, I had to be 'protected' a bit, thank you very much boys), I was just enjoying the freedom.

The reason the war stories woke me up is that these people looked at me like I was nuts - I wasn't telling any nasty stories, just ones about when I lived in Hobart for 12 months, and worked as a barmaid at the fishermen's pubs, down along the waterfront, before it got all gentrified. And the fact that if they didn't ask me nicely, they got nothing, except told to pull their heads in, and that some of them still remember me (THAT was an embarrassing day!) was, to them - simply astonishing. Let alone that these were fond memories. (The funny thing is, my family (parents and sibs) and my husband know NOTHING of this - they all think I was the well-behaved person I was when I was in the NW. I behave here because I HATE it here - everyone is so bluddy judgemental, and they all know each other, and I have experience with tarring with the same brush as others. And I was/am stuck here.) Blah!!

So yes folks, these were WORK stories, not 'I went out and met this hott guy and......' stories, I don't have any of those, I was very protected in that regard, no booze, no drugs, and no taking anyone home/going home with anyone allowed. Because if I hadn't been, my ginormous cousins would have gone on the rampage, or so my friends thought - I didn't care, I was just having fun, booze/drugs/boys held no interest, for the first time ever I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, with no-one to answer to. I was too busy enjoying that to worry about interrupting it with hormones or chemical stimulants.

Anyhoo, it hit me then that so many people really have no idea what life is all about - it's for LIVING!! You are here, make the most of it - it's one thing to be alive, it's another entirely to live.

So, here's to Nickelback, and also to Tim McGraw, because those songs pretty much cover it, so far as I can see.

So remember, tell your loved ones that you love them every time one of you walks out the door; tell your parents you love them at least once a week, and live like you mean it - regret the things you did do, rather than the things you didn't.