Monday, June 1, 2009

Moving On

Well, today has been interesting. Actually, the past few days have been. But before we get into that; )(*%*&%(*#(#@*)(%+&!!!!!!!!!

Now we have that out of hte way (nutjob neighbour upset me earlier), lets get down to business.

As I said, the past few days have been interesting. Nothing hugely exciting has happened (nutjob excepted) but I feel like I have come a very long way on the road back to someone like who I used to be.

On the weekend, I think it was Friday night - I dreamt about 1 of the people who f*cked us over for 4 years. It was weird in that the person I was seeing in the dreams was A, but their actions were those of B. Totally odd. I woke up the first time, and had the clear thought 'But A didn't do that, B did.' 2nd time, I sat bolt upright in bed, and announced to the room (thankfully The Mister slept through it) 'I'm healing!!' I felt so elated!

Saturday, I got to thinking about it, and I realised that I might just be doing that. I am no longer angry, nor am I resentful. Indifferent - no, I have just let it go. I will never forgive or forget what they did, and I will always bear the scars, as will the rest of my family, but I am over it, for the most part. I hurt when I see the damage done to The Mister, Mr20, or Mr14 (especially him, my heart breaks), but for myself, and the most part, I am moving on.

The realisation of this hit me like a ton of bricks in the car on the way home from Launie today - Nickelback's If Today Was Your Last Day came on the radio, and the lyrics struck one helluva chord. It's the philosophy I used to subscribe to, before The Dark Time, and one I am regaining.

The other way this hit me was in the Keno course, while waiting for others, we got to talking about certain stuff we had done, and war stories came out. Well, mine did, the other 2 just looked at me in horror/amazement. Although, the lady who came in half way through one said she'd love to go out on the town with me one night, because it sounds like we'd have a great time. Ahhhh, mis-spent youth! I didn't have much of you, but damn! I made good use of you! Like Kelly Clarkson (more on-the-way-home radio) - I didn't hook up, but I lived damn hard. With friend-enforced sobriety (someone had to remember where home was, and as the baby of the group, and the only one under 18, I had to be 'protected' a bit, thank you very much boys), I was just enjoying the freedom.

The reason the war stories woke me up is that these people looked at me like I was nuts - I wasn't telling any nasty stories, just ones about when I lived in Hobart for 12 months, and worked as a barmaid at the fishermen's pubs, down along the waterfront, before it got all gentrified. And the fact that if they didn't ask me nicely, they got nothing, except told to pull their heads in, and that some of them still remember me (THAT was an embarrassing day!) was, to them - simply astonishing. Let alone that these were fond memories. (The funny thing is, my family (parents and sibs) and my husband know NOTHING of this - they all think I was the well-behaved person I was when I was in the NW. I behave here because I HATE it here - everyone is so bluddy judgemental, and they all know each other, and I have experience with tarring with the same brush as others. And I was/am stuck here.) Blah!!

So yes folks, these were WORK stories, not 'I went out and met this hott guy and......' stories, I don't have any of those, I was very protected in that regard, no booze, no drugs, and no taking anyone home/going home with anyone allowed. Because if I hadn't been, my ginormous cousins would have gone on the rampage, or so my friends thought - I didn't care, I was just having fun, booze/drugs/boys held no interest, for the first time ever I had the freedom to come and go as I pleased, with no-one to answer to. I was too busy enjoying that to worry about interrupting it with hormones or chemical stimulants.

Anyhoo, it hit me then that so many people really have no idea what life is all about - it's for LIVING!! You are here, make the most of it - it's one thing to be alive, it's another entirely to live.

So, here's to Nickelback, and also to Tim McGraw, because those songs pretty much cover it, so far as I can see.

So remember, tell your loved ones that you love them every time one of you walks out the door; tell your parents you love them at least once a week, and live like you mean it - regret the things you did do, rather than the things you didn't.

1 comment:

  1. I'm so glad to hear you're one the mend, you're a tough lady!