Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Up & down................

Not my moods, thankfully. A week and a half on the anti-depressants, and those have stabilised nicely. Which is a huge relief, I like having my equilibrium back. What I really look forward to though, is the day when I can have it naturally, without the need for chemical assistance. And that day WILL come, no question. There are a few reasons for that;

While the drugs are working, and I am grateful for the balance, I don't like being dependent on a chemical. I take natural HRT, and I don't even like taking that!

Side effects - of course, these hace to be factored in. They aren't nice; dehydration (which is the last thing I need to cop), upset tummy (water repeats on me ffs!) and physical tiredness (nothing new there). The first and last I can deal with - drink more/sleep more - but the tummy thing is giving me the sh*ts - literally! I am living on Weetbix with rice milk, dry toast, or plain jasmine rice. On the upside of that, I will continue to lose weight.

Cost; while I can get the tablets on PBS for now, the $$$ are still going to add up.

Mental lasiness - I am finding I lack the motivation to stretch my brain (where normally I am looking for opportunities to do so) - which is OK for now, but what about when I start Uni next year?

Hopefully these - or at least some of them, will drop off as time passes. I experienced all of the above last time, but only for 3 or 4 days, and only when I went to the stronger dosage. Maybe because last time, I was in such a deep, dark place that they couldn't drag me out.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

My thoughts on airports

I am working up to a mammoth post about my holiday. I am giving myself lots of distance, so I don't crumble into tears.

So, today I thought we'd start with airports. Love 'em, hate 'em, they are an essential and unavoidable part of modern travel.

Tassie airports; we have 4, I have flown out of 3. They are all basically the same - a concrete rectangle, with big windows on one side, and overpirced food and drink. Freezing at all times, and generally rather depressing.

Melbourne; means business. There's no hiding that this is a serious business, moving people from one spot to another. I quite like Melbourne airport, it's straight forward. The staff are helpful, and polite. And you can get outside, no matter which terminal you are in.

Sydney; I do not like as much - even though it is prettier. It feels more pretentious, and I don't like the layout. Also don't go much on the attitude of many of the staff I have met there. Some were fantastic, the majority had a "Stop wasting my time" attitude. No fresh air in International.

Honolulu; very pretty - open to the air in a lot of places, with live tropical plants all over the place. The staff are always friendly (even at 1 a.m., when all anyone wants to do is go home to bed), even Security were pleasant, and very helpful/empathetic. Lots of fresh air.

San Francisco; a lot like Sydney with the attitude of staff, and the layout is not great. Ovreheated horribly, and no chance of getting outside once you hit International.

Los Angeles; LA may be smoggy, but the airport isn't too bad. A lot like Melbourne in it's layout, and again, you can get outside. There are white hibiscus on the opposite side of the road - near the carpark, which help break the monotony of concrete. There are also huge colour-changing columns that you can see from the entry to International. Staff were great, even Security were relatively friendly.

Reno-Tahoe; An airport with slot machines in it - my idea of a nightmare. This is quite a spacious airport, and you can get outside anytime you want. The staff here were all friendly and helpful.

Monday, October 19, 2009

All plans to the backburner..........

The Mister's mum is unwell (she has Lupus) so we aren't going anywhere in a hurry. Which, while I understand, I don't like. This is not a new development (the lupus), but the sudden decline in health is.

Other reasons offered for this;

* My degree - there is 1 Uni, and 1 campus, that offers this. And he wants me to do it.

* Mr14 - it's not fair to uproot him in his final years of high school.

* If we go now, we may not be able to fulfill my ultimate dream, which, it turns out, has now become his also. He has 1 big move left in him, he says, and he wants it to be the ultimate, if we can do it. If not, well then we deal with it at the time.

* His health - he has doctors he trusts here, and until a few things are sorted, he doens't want to go anyplace.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Congratulations Beachy!!

Congratulations to the Adorable Beach Princess and Mr BP on their marriage yesterday.

I hope your day was wonderful, and that the years to come are the same.

It will be sunny one day.................

A friend sent me to this the other day, and it made me feel better. It's a letter from Stephen Fry to a fan, who wrote to him during a nasty bout of depression.

It is a lovely missive, and very heartfelt, and I thought I'd share it. It has been confirmed as authentic by the man himself in a Tweet, and the original post I saw it in may be viewed here at Letters of Note.

April 10, 2006

Dear Crystal,

I'm so sorry to hear that life is getting you down at the moment. Goodness knows, it can be so tough when nothing seems to fit and little seems to be fulfilling. I'm not sure there's any specific advice I can give that will help bring life back its savour. Although they mean well, it's sometimes quite galling to be reminded how much people love you when you don't love yourself that much.

I've found that it's of some help to think of one's moods and feelings about the world as being similar to weather:

Here are some obvious things about the weather:

It's real.
You can't change it by wishing it away.
If it's dark and rainy it really is dark and rainy and you can't alter it.
It might be dark and rainy for two weeks in a row.

BUT

It will be sunny one day.
It isn't under one's control as to when the sun comes out, but come out it will.
One day.

It really is the same with one's moods, I think. The wrong approach is to believe that they are illusions. They are real. Depression, anxiety, listlessness - these are as real as the weather - AND EQUALLY NOT UNDER ONE'S CONTROL. Not one's fault.

BUT

They will pass: they really will.

In the same way that one has to accept the weather, so one has to accept how one feels about life sometimes. "Today's a crap day," is a perfectly realistic approach. It's all about finding a kind of mental umbrella. "Hey-ho, it's raining inside: it isn't my fault and there's nothing I can do about it, but sit it out. But the sun may well come out tomorrow and when it does, I shall take full advantage."

I don't know if any of that is of any use: it may not seem it, and if so, I'm sorry. I just thought I'd drop you a line to wish you well in your search to find a little more pleasure and purpose in life.

Very best wishes

(Signed)

Stephen Fry

Better today........

The Mister had a Boy's Day (kind of, he and a mate went and visited their respective family members together) yesterday and last night, so I have gotten a bit of breathing space. Him stressing was doing my head in.

Mr14 has gone to Church, he was invited by one of his teachers, and thought "Why not give it a look?" I am rather proud of his open-mindedness, this being the child who is agnostic by choice since he was 6 or so. He is also looking at getting a job where Mr20 works. House rule is: Old enough to work legally, get theyself a job. Easier if he wants to do it though. Money is a great incentive.

The move I dream of is looking like it could now be a 12 months-away thing. The Mister wants to go o/s again next year, and unless we win Lotto, we won't be able to afford a move and a trip. The trip is top priority, due to a number of factors (health of various people being a big one), but I intend to tell him that if we can only afford 2 to go, it should be him and Mr14, they need to bond a bit. I'd LOVE to go see our friends again, but the reality is, 2 weeks is not long enough, and I refuse to take 3 weeks off, to have to sit here and deal withjetlag and depression for 1 of them. And realistically, saving for 12 months would make the move easier. Just means I will be miserable longer.

Also in Mr14 news (he has been a worry of late) I want to homeschool him next year. Aside from the financial burden easing (he is private schooled atm), the stress on me would be a lot less. I wouldn't have to worry every day about him making the bus, or getting home safely. No matter what happens with the feral halfwit, Mr14 will be at risk so long as he (TFH) draws breath. And as I will be studying myself, he can study at the same time. He will have set work hours, and if he fails to comply, there goes his social life for that day. 3 days of non-compliance, there goes his weekend. I just have to convince The Mister. And the Education Department.

Friday, October 16, 2009

(*^%$%#@(*&*#&(&$*&#

I think that covers it. Just barely.

I sit here, my first night back on the accursed anti-depressants, and wish they had kicked in already. I am tense, nervy and just generally stressed out.

Mr14 is being painful, as only a teenaged boy in Feralville can, The Mister is stressed out of his head, and I have to work tomorrow, doing something I am not comfortable with as yet (I need practice), on one of the busiest days of the year. Aaaaarrrrgghhh!!

Also not helping is the knowledge that, miracles aside, I am going to be stuck ehre for at least another 6 months - I want to be moved tomorrow - or last week!! But I am researching various aspects of the plan, and am manipulating it every way I can, to make sure I see all the angles.

The Little Family are getting antsy about getting their own place, and who can blame them? Miss and I had a chat about it today, I told her to hang in there, it WILL happen. One day.

I hate standing still, when I could be/should be moving. I can be quiet and still if the mood/need arises, but when I want to be doing something, I want to be doing it, not siting on my hands, waiting for it to happen. Because, if I have to wait for it to happen, it's obviously not going to.

Today I went to Kmart, and got my birthday present from The Mister - 2 pairs of running shoes. Before you shoot him for lack of romance/thought, he has been hassling me for weeks about what I want for my birthday. Apparently "For you all to forget it/ignore it" wasn't an acceptable answer. And I needed new running shoes....... and am NOT paying $200+ for them, when the cheaper ones (so long as I get the right ones) are just as good, and last just as long. I also bought myself 2 tshirts, 1 blue and the other green. For $12 each, I figured I can't go wrong.

Mr20 has organised himself somewhere to live next year, which is good. A weight off my mind. He is past ready to move out - it is time. I told him that tonight, and he agreed with me. I will miss him, but it is time for him to go and make his own life. I am intrigued by the thought of what sort of person he will be in 5 years time......

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Congratulations to Miss Pinkcupcake!!!

She married her dream man in New York on the 9th of October, and I am so very happy for them.

So, congratulations to the happy couple, and here's to a long marriage, filled with much love and laughter.

Urgh! I surrender.

I give up, I cannot do this anymore. I am applying for a transfer through the Housing AUthority. And if I don't get one, we are moving to Mum's. And then we will save like mad (even madder than already if we are at Mum's) and get the Hell out of Dodge.

This is not ideal, either way. I hate the fact that I am going to be moving because of the nutjob, but I am at the point where there is no other option. My mental health is shot to shit, and my physical health will soon follow. Mr14 is a mess, he is scared witless of this guy.

This is really just the final straw. Mr14 has been running feral for a while, and it's not going to improve. This place is like Feralville on steroids - the only things to do are drink, smoke, do drugs, have sex, drive like lunatics if you have a car, and maybe, if you are motivated, play a sport once a week. Oh, and knock stuff off, and pick fights with everyone you can. Not ideal, and it's getting worse. The majority of the kids in our area are his age, and they are truly feral - no parental control at all, parents who encourage the above behaviour, so what hope do we have?!

I am well aware that everywhere has these issues, but they are generally in smaller pockets. The good areas/people here are the smaller pockets. Very small, and often very isolated, because they are surrounded by ferals.

I have accepted my UTAS offer, now I need to enrol. I still have NFI what I want my specialisation to be - I thought I had to pick between 2 streams, but no, I have to pick from the whole of bluddy UTAS!!! Not helpful at all people - too many choices.

I still have a truckload of mailing to do from when we were away - I am just not able to go into town by myself, and I don't want The Mister to have to sit in the car waiting for half an hour while I mail out - might have to get the Little Family to come with me, Miss and I can take Mouse and go in, Mr can watch the car.

My new washing machine was delivered today - it is currently adorning the kitchen, as the old one is not being picked up until Thursday. It is so pretty, and I can't wait to use it.

Got orthotics for my work shoes today - the shoes themselves are in good nick, but the pain in my feet has been horrid. So far, so good, although I am wearing them in my sneakers, not my work shoes. But i am already noticing the difference. Sadly, orthotics and ballet flats are not compatible.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

I think.....................

...............that Spring might almost be my favourite season. If I ignore the wind, the rain and the hayfever, it is. The flowers are starting to peek out, trees are budding and blooming, the birds are out in force. The whole world looks prettier, on days when I am not getting blown away, or soaked to the skin.

I cannot wait to start Uni on the one hand, and that it is going to nearly kill me on the other. I have been away from formal study forever, and this is some serious hard yards - lots of research (soooo out of practice) and brainstorming(my poor noggin hurts at the thought of that), not to mention report writing (oh help!). I just have to pick my electives, and I am good to go. Of course, I have NFI what electives I want.

I am seriously over the idiot over the road. His campaign of bullying, destruction, and terror continues, and quite frankly, I am fed up.

The common cold is the worst thing in the damn world to have. It drags on, makes you feel like shite, and no-one thinks twice about going to work with it, as "It's just a cold". FFS people, you feel lousy, you have a highly contagious virus in your system - stay home!!!!!

My Kenneth Cole shoes are the best things I have bought in aaaaaaaaages. And not just cause they are comfy - they cost me $45USD, and are $400+ here. Go me. Although, my Bitten by SJP jeans ($3 thankyouverymuch), are running a close second.

That groceries here are outrageously priced. I mean I knew they were before I went away, but the prices just seem to keep climbing. Americans (at least where we were) are so damn lucky, they pay bugger-all for what would be premium goods here. And yet, they still bitch.

That a very long sleep is very much in order. I wish!

Oh, and my mental health update:

I had 2 very bad weeks, I was teary, angry and miserable in turn every day. At one stage, I was picking fights with The Mister, but had no idea what the Hell I was arguing about. It was like there were 2 of me, the one crying/yelling/accusing, and the one standing to the side going "Dude, WHAT THE HELL?!" I think it was just the come-down from the trip, and the fact that I had no time to re-adjust slowly, I just got thrown straight back into the mix within 24 hours.

I have been wearing e/l, lippie and mascara to work every day, except the one where my allergies made my eyes water so bad I couldn't see. It helps, I think.

I haven't been 'dressing' every day, too much work, when all I am doing is getting doghaired, and baby-spewed/drooled for the most part. Today I made the effort (kind of), and got a lot of lovely comments.

The healthy living thing is going ok, I had a coffee and a brownie today, and didn't really enjoy either. My excuse? I am sick, it's already been a long week, and it's only Tuesday. A mouthful of lemon squash the other day tasted lousy, and a cup of tea was vomitworthy. I am using rice milk with my cereal for breakfast, and it's not too bad. Must take some to the barista, so I can try a chai latte with it.

Work is full-on, the Silly Season looms larger every day. Add the Spring Racing to that, and it's ZOMG! Feh! But the money isn't bad (not as good as retail, but I enjoy the work more, and I LOVE the lack of workplace politics), so I will stick it out. Plus, my bosses support my Uni plans, which is a huge bonus. I also get to meet some interesting people, which I enjoy.