Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Today, My Heart Finally Broke

Yes folks, I made it to almost 40 without a major heartbreak being intentionally caused by someone I love. And, if I am honest, I can't really be sure that it IS intentional.

But I digress.  Mr14 has been shocking of late, violent, withdrawn at times and abusive a LOT of the time.  We know what was behind it, we have been trying for months to get a doctor to listen, so we could get a diagnosis.  In the past 5 days (including the weekend) I have had 3 phone consults, and 2 face-to-faces with different doctors.  All agree. He is suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD. This I already knew.

What I didn't know, and neither did The Mister, is that we can't do anything about it.  Treatment is optional.  He has to want to go, or take the pills.  We can't even get him properly assessed without his agreeing, which he refuses to do.  He only went to the doctor for a follow-up on his tonsilitis that took 3 lots of antibiotics to kill.

He announced this morning that he is leaving when he turns 15 in 6 weeks time.  I was/am devastated.  I love my son. But I am not all that sorry at this latest development.  The person living in my home, inhabiting my son's body, is not my son.  He is a stranger, one who frightens me.  I fear for my son.  He is in danger from not only the scum who lurk around every corner in this sink hole, but also from the stranger making his decisions, and telling him they are his own.

My heart is breaking at the fact that I am going to have to let him go, physically, at 15. And at the fact that, in a lot of ways, my son has already left.  It is killing me.  But living like we are, in constant fear of another blow-out, is killing me even more.  The stress is causing major physical symptoms, and if I don't do something soon, I will land back in hospital.  And this time, I have no reserves of energy or determination to get me through.  They were all used a long time ago.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face.  I am not writing this to ask for sympathy, empathy or any goddamn thing else.  I am writing this to help me accept what is going to happen.  I am scared beyond belief for my son, but I am more scared of the stranger wearing his skin.

11 comments:

  1. I'm so sorry for you Rosie. I hope he decides to get help.

    Sending you lots of love and support. xx

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  2. Rosie, this must be really hard for you. A friend of mine a few years back left her husband and her two eldest sons (aged 14 and 16) with their father but took her youngest son (aged 9) with her. She was escaping domestic hell. She had to go into hiding to escape the man who had control over her life. I remember thinking, how can you leave your sons, but she had to. She knew the sons were not in danger, but still - she had to let them go for her own sake, like you are being forced to do now. May I encourage you pray to whatever god or higher power you might have some faith in that your son will be okay, and keep him in your prayers that he will be okay and you can have at least a glimmer of hope and not have to worry more than you can handle.

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  3. Rosie, I know exactly how devestated you feel. I have a 16 year old daughter that has broken our hearts and we're still coming to terms with it all. It was like living in the same house for the last two years with a stranger, slamming doors, not conversing with anyone unless she wanted something and completely disrespectful to her parents. We were at our wits end...even took her to a psychologist mid 2009...and the diagnosis was that she saw her parents as THE ENEMY because she didn't want to follow house-rules. In a way it wasn't totally unexpected, she wanted to go to a new-years-eve party we discussed 2 days prior and I explained that she couldnt go and the reasons. She seemed OK with it and didnt approach the subject again. However, on the night she took off..at 8.00pm, pitch black outside and pouring rain. It took me until 3.30am in the morning to get hold of her (because of course she'd turned her mobile off) when she explained that she was sleeping in their spare room for the night and would be home in the morning.
    This isn't the first time (the third in fact) and it was going to be her last. When she came home I told her to pack her bags and move out.

    You can't make them stay home if they don't want to...you can't lock them in their room or chain them to their bed. You can't pick their friends (she has runaway friends too) so she thinks her behaviour is OK.

    We have accepted that she needs to make her own decisions and her own mistakes instead of blaming everyone else for them. But...my heart still aches for her and I pray that she will draw from the family values taught her to realise that her friends aren't that great.

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  4. Thanks guys, knowing you are here for me helps a lot.

    The thing is, he is giving us so many mixed messages. He's going. He's not. We can't tell him what to do. Can he go to such-and-such? I can deal with the aggro, the rudeness, and all the normal teenage crap. The backwards and forwards, and the argumentativeness is what is killing us.

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  5. We were getting mixed messages too. My daughter has a casual after-school job and since September 2009 was telling us a friend of hers (she worked with) had a spare room and as soon as it was 'cleaned out' she was moving in. Well, it never eventuated..I dont know whether she was making the story up to make us feel like crap or not...I suspect she was making it up because when I tested the waters and made out I was going along with it she backed down and said she was staying.

    We could handle all the teenage crap too... until the running away started. Since she's been gone, there have been far fewer arguments between family members (caus a lot of it was orchestrated by her) She would sit back and enjoy watching the trouble she caused at home.

    We not only feel hurt, but very betrayed by her. Mainly because she has been going around slagging us off to her friends and unbelievably (their parents). You would think any parent of a teenager would recognise she is troubled and needs good advice...and you know what...we have not received any phone calls or anything from any of them.

    When it's all said and done, we don't know if there will be a relationship to go back to. We may never overcome our feelings of betrayal and mistrust...this situation is so sad and it's killing us too.

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  6. Oh honey, that is so wrong. What is wrong with parents today? We had one of Mr14's friends here over the summer, his mum's fiancee had belted into him, and the first thing I did was go see her, and tell her he was safe.

    I feel for you so much. Even in the midst of a row, like last night, Mr14 will stop, assure me he loves me, and that he will keep in touch. But that destroys his dad, who he sees as the 'enemy', even though, deep, deep down, he loves him.

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  7. Thanks Rosie, reading your comments has helped me a lot.

    Be reassured that it's not uncommon for teenagers between the ages of 14-16 to want their independence. The problem is...some want to take it to the nth degree and running away is not a solution.

    We've insisted that if she ever returns home she has to have some sort of counselling. We will probably need it too IF she ever returns.

    Let's pray that they both learn from their own mistakes and their moral upbringing will prevail in the long run.

    It's so nice to be able to talk to someone with similar issues...theraputic as well.

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  8. Rosie, at any point in my diatribe, tell me to butt out. I don't mean to be hurtful, but I am wondering why there is a problem. From your comments, your posts, you sound like one of the most together lucid people I've ever known. That a teenager displays this type of behaviour is not reason to have it diagnosed as depression or worse, it is part and parcel of a teenager growing up. I'll post a caveat here, if the current drugs, Loven or similar were available in the 70s I would have been better off, but you can't medicate puberty to adulthood. These chemical fixers are wonderful, but you can't medicate away the teenage years. Apparently they are intolerable for parents. And to paraphrase Billy Preston, 'That's the Way God Planned It'

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UYxzPdv67yA

    Parents from the end of time have hated their kids at this age. This is the way it works. I remember screaming at my mother, I was 17, that I couldn't live under the same roof as my father a day longer. She had tears, but realised it was true. I took my stuff and left. A young male under the same roof as the dominant male, it goes against nature. Years later my mum told me that my goody goody sister had more problems than I did. I found that hard to believe.

    Does your son have real problems, or is this just the natural progression from childhood to adulthood?

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  9. Oh Gig, I wish it was normal. Part of it is, but there are real issues there. The sad thing is, I saw the problems developing 12 months ago, convinced him to see someone, got his dad to take him to the GP for a referral to a psychologist, but it never happened, because "You don't need a referral for a psychologist, and I'm not giving you one, he's fine." End result, what we have now.

    All I can do is hope that we can ride it out. As I said, I can deal with argumentative, uncommunicative and generally foul, I've done it 4 times already, but it was never this bad, and I was never afraid.

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  10. Rosie, will be keeping you in my prayers and thoughts! Always here for you xo

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