....... never comes, or so the song goes.
There are days when I wish that were true - and then there are days where it can't get here fast enough.
Today, I want it to hurry up, or not. I'm not sure. I am torn, do I want to know, or don't I?
I am facing the fact that, no matter how much I want it, no matter how hard I work or plan for it, the future I dream of may yet be denied me. And that is NOT FAIR dammit!! We have worked too darn hard to get to the point where we can see a future, to have it taken now.
Of course, that may not happen. However, the odds are against us. I guess they always were, we have been through more crap in our 23.5 years together than most couples cop in twice that long. But until now, we have been able to ignore that. Now, regardless of what happens in the next 7 days, we have to face the fact that it may not happen for us.
To get to the point of this ramble - my husband was diagnosed and hospitalised for 24 hours last week with penumonia - he was sent home, told to see the GP, who gave him antibiotics, and instructions that if he was no better at the end of the first prescription, to get his butt back. Today, he was given new antibiotics, instructions to return a phlegm sample (ick!) and an xray appointment. His right lung is crackling. And we are both scared.
Crackling could be pneumonia, or it could be the return of the cancer. We are both leaning to thinking it is the cancer, for various reasons. He has had a persistent cough, and has been rundown for quite some time - the rundown-ness I blamed on stress, so did he. The cough, on heavy smoking. Now, we are both wondering if maybe it is back, and what that means if it is. I can't articulate why I think it may be, it's not something I can describe. He has the same symptoms, and feelings as last time, physically, but is hoping it is just because he is so run-down. But he is afraid it is cancer. I think he has been worried for a while......
If it is, I have no idea how we will cope - he can't have radiotherapy again - he had that last time. Yes, my smoker husband has had lung cancer before. And continues to smoke.
We must both have been truly evil in past lives, I swear. Just a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about my Uni, and whether I should stick with BRRM, do Honours and get some posh sounding qualification (still 2 years to go to finish the degree, but planning ahead never hurts, or so I tell myself), or finish BRRM, and do the additional 2 years to get BNEWS - a less posh qualification, but it surely sounds like a lot more fun, and the same amount of time. We were discussing how much of an impact on our future plans an extra 2 years in this sinkhole would have - could we do it? Was it worth it? Would that give Mr15 more time to sort himself out?
Now, that is all gone. We have to wait and see if we have that much time together. Of course, there are no guarantees, but the chances are reduced, if that insidious disease is back.
I cannot imagine a future without T, it's just not feasible. For 23.5 years, we have dreamed together, of one day going off, living our own lives, the way we want to, having set our children on the paths they will follow for the rest of their lives. It damn well better not be denied us. We deserve to follow our dreams together.
I hope with all my heart that we get the all clear. In the mean time, I need to work on being strong. For him and the kids. And especially for me.