Sunday, June 26, 2011

It's all up from here on out

Of late, many of my posts have been ranty or negative.  This is a pattern that I have to end.  So, today is the final chapter in my misery saga.  Because I feel I owe an explanation of where my head has been, and where all that crap came from, I'm going to tell you something painful.

My husband is dying.  No-one can explain why, nor can they stop it.  It's a genetic fault, and nothing can be done.  His heart is failing, and will continue to do so, until he has a monster heart attack.  Then it's all over.

We have been grieving, and it has been truly hard.  When he was working, he would head out the door at all hours of the day or night, to who-knew-where, and it was a case of wait and see if he came home.  That was easier to deal with, in a weird way - if it happened, it was the luck of the draw.

This is different - we know it is going to happen, we just don't know when.  There is no way around it, no bullets to dodge.  It's in him, and it's with us every damn day.  We can do nothing but wait.

Frustration runs rampant - for both of us.  Our future plans have been changed, not all in a bad way.  We view the past, and while we see the good times, we also see the wasted time.  That is what drives the frustration, anger and fear.

So, from now on, no more negativity.  It is what it is, and I just have to deal with it.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Best laid plans and all that jazz

Remember a little while ago, when I said I had 1 intensive unit, and 1 13 week unit for the remainder of the year?  Well, I kinda fibbed. I was telling the truth at the time, but, well, these other options were presented, so I jumped on them.  But I need more room for electives.

Now, after promising myself a cruisy Semester 2, I am doing a Policy unit, the intensive unit (Community Development), a unit where I go to forums/talks at the Uni, and analyse them, work placement, and an 8 day intensive field work unit.  If I had room, I'd do an environmental management one too, another 8-dayer, in January.

What is wrong with me? Well, for starters, I am bored.  I am at the end of my first week of 3 off, and I am bored spitless - I need to be using my brain. Or sleeping. Mmmmm, sleep...........

Monday, June 13, 2011

Still here...........

..... still studying.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Round 1 of Semester 1 exams over!

My poor head is aching like mad.  But I think I got through.

I have another exam next Friday, then a week or 2 off, then an intensive unit, then in Semester 2 I have 1 unit, and work placement.

I think I need a lie down.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

The night the lights went out

'twas a dark night, on a deserted road - we were heading to a free camping spot.  It was almost midnight.  We were feeling pretty good, we'd had dinner with the kids, and seen a band, and were generally feeling pretty relaxed.

Until the lights went out.  One minute we're driving down a gravel road, watching for wildlife in the hi-beams, the next, it's pitch dark, and we can smell burning electrics.  Cue the end of good cheer.

We sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes, cursing, swearing and trying to work out what exactly had fried, before we got lights back, sort of.  Very weak, and stinky, but there.  They got us to a gravel carpark, at a council works depot, where we crawled in the back and tried to sleep.

5.30 a.m., and the sound of car doors rouses us from our snooze - the workers are arriving.  Crawl out of the car, look around.  The workers didn't give us a second look, until one chap wandered over as we performed a daylight inspection of under-bonnet wiring.  He recommended us a mechanic, and off we went.

Long story short -  $160, countless coffees and 4 hours later, we had the problem fixed.  We were lucky that was all we copped, someone (previous owner?) put 100w globes in a fitting rated for 55w, and it fried some of the wiring, when it overheated through extended use (we used the hi-beams for 30 minutes, their longest run since we got the car).

While it wasn't something we viewed happily at the time, I think in the end it proved that we WILL be alright when we get out there, for real.  We had a disaster, and we coped, without killing each other. Go us!

Sunday, June 5, 2011

It's the little things you miss................

......... be they an annoying 2 year old, or a sleep in on a Sunday.  You don't realise how much a part of your life these things are, until they aren't there for a time, and then come back.

Today, for the first time in almost 12 months, the husband and I got to sleep in.  We slept til 10, an unheard of luxury, then had breakfast and read the paper - in bed!   In peace.  This is how our lives were meant to be, at this stage of our existence.

As glorious as this morning was, I find myself hanging out for the return of the annoying 2 year old. Not the annoying part, but the cute part. 7 a.m. demands for breakfast? Not a happy thought.  Tired, cranky baby fighting to stay up at 10-11 p.m.? Lord preserve me (he rules his father with a tiny iron fist).  The demand that Nanna pick him up for a cuddle and kiss? That I can handle.

What I hope is that his mother has grown up (and not before time) and we can continue the overnights - once or twice a fortnight, to give his grandfather and I some breathing space.  We love him dearly, and he is gorgeous, but we are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle a 2 year old for 12-14 hours a day anymore.  We need our sleep.We are old.