Of late, many of my posts have been ranty or negative. This is a pattern that I have to end. So, today is the final chapter in my misery saga. Because I feel I owe an explanation of where my head has been, and where all that crap came from, I'm going to tell you something painful.
My husband is dying. No-one can explain why, nor can they stop it. It's a genetic fault, and nothing can be done. His heart is failing, and will continue to do so, until he has a monster heart attack. Then it's all over.
We have been grieving, and it has been truly hard. When he was working, he would head out the door at all hours of the day or night, to who-knew-where, and it was a case of wait and see if he came home. That was easier to deal with, in a weird way - if it happened, it was the luck of the draw.
This is different - we know it is going to happen, we just don't know when. There is no way around it, no bullets to dodge. It's in him, and it's with us every damn day. We can do nothing but wait.
Frustration runs rampant - for both of us. Our future plans have been changed, not all in a bad way. We view the past, and while we see the good times, we also see the wasted time. That is what drives the frustration, anger and fear.
So, from now on, no more negativity. It is what it is, and I just have to deal with it.