Thursday, May 12, 2016

Today my baby turns 21........

........ and we haven't spoken in 3 years.  Which is awful beyond words.

I have a phone number, which I send text messages to, and call from time to time (he doesn't answer either).

His Facebook account has been deleted: I don't know his physical address.

Part of me dies on the 12th of May each year, because I know that every day we don't talk, something precious is lost.  And that one day, he will realise that, and have to live with the regret.  That knowledge, more than anything, hurts.

But still, in spite of all the pain that I feel, and all the anger (some I agree with, some I do not, although I understand an awful lot of it) he feels, I will keep trying, even though it would be easier emotionally for me to seal up that door in my heart.

Because, no matter what, he is my son, and I love him.  So, happy birthday Mr Man.  I love you.

Thursday, March 3, 2016

A Bit if a Thing for Thongs (Flip Flops)

Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I would ever wear, let alone want, many pairs of rubber shoes.  Until recently, the last time I wore these kinds of shoe was when I was pregnant with Dr. Boris - 26 years ago.  They were the only things I could get that would fit my horribly swollen feet in 1980's Tasmania.  And then, when he was born, a funny thing happened - I couldn't wear them any more - my legs would a ache and cramp after 5 minutes.  This is one of the many changes he caused: I still cannot look at lamb chops or 2 minute noodles without feeling ill.........

Cue years of melting feet and envious stares at the tootsies of those who could wear these icons of Aussie summers.  I cursed, swore and on occasion, broke down and spent the money, only to end up in agony for days after a few minutes wear.

Then we moved to Queensland, and pain or no, I had to have some - the summer heat was too much for my poor feet to deal with in 'proper' shoes.  So I bit the bullet, and bought some massagey ones.  Purple with fabric straps.  And, for a while, they were ok.  I couldn't walk miles, but I could run errands.  Score!

Then, about 3 months  in, the problems started; 5 minutes in them, days of agony.  In the middle of summer.  Not content to go back to squishing my feet into full-on footwear, I bought a pair of all-rubber ones - what did I have to lose?  Against what potential gains?

Answer: a few $ opposed to months of aching feet.  Oh, and skin.  The all-rubber, flat ones worked a treat for aching feet and screaming legs, but the 'arms' on some can rub the skin.  Easy fixed with a bandaid; not a fabulous look, but I was beyond caring, comfort over looks was the focus.  Problems solved all around, I was a happy camper.  Then my first pair broke, and I had to go get another.

That was it, I walked out with 3 pairs (different colours/patterns) and a hankering for at least 1 of every colour/pattern in the place; the picture above is just a taste of what I could choose from.  The idea of a mountain of thongs filled me with joy.  So I went back the next week, and got another 2 pairs.  I have since avoided further sprees, although I have killed 2 of the 5 pairs I acquired. Restraint, I has it.

I am dreading the winter months.  I can't really wear thongs in winter.  I know people do, but I can't.  My poor feet won't allow it.  On the upside, this means that I can buy lots of pretty flats (I am banned from heels forever), and maybe pick up a few more pairs of thongs on the cheap, ready for next year.  Or a lot of pairs, for all the future summers I plan to wear them........

Wednesday, February 17, 2016

Seeing Beauty in the Everyday Things

Katy Rose over at Modly Chic has a series on beauty running this year.  She writes about the beauty in the various aspects of life, and I have to say, her posts make me think.

While I am not one for resolutions, I am making the effort this year, and from hereon out, to appreciate the beauty I see every day.  I think we all get so busy with the day-to-day drudge and rush, we forget to stop and smell the roses, as it were.

So, here are some of the things I have seen as I go about my daily business that have struck me as beautiful.  A grevillea, magpies playing on the dog's cool mats outside our door, and a Mary Valley sunset.

Sunday, January 3, 2016

Looking Forward, Looking Back....

So, it's 2016, everyone is making themselves promises in the form of resolutions.  I'm not; resolutions are made to be broken.  I'll do what I need to, when I need to.  Or when I decide to, whichever way it goes, it's fine.  So long as things get done.

I'd rather use the New Year to reflect on what I learnt in the past year.  Far more beneficial than making a bunch of promises I am never going to keep.  I can see where I came from, and that I did in fact achieve something.  Far better for my mental and emotional health than looking back and seeing all the areas I failed in (or thought I failed in).

So, as we move forward into 2016, let us look back over 2015, and see what I discovered about myself and the world.

1. I am still strong.  All the crap that saw me start this blog may have *almost* broken me, but it didn't.  Recovery was slow, and is continuing, but I survived.

2. Amy Schumer can catch a dick anytime she wants.  I don't know who she is, but good for her.

3. That there IS light out there. My issue was that I was looking for a sun, when I should have been looking for stars.

4. Other people just plain don't matter.  I knew this before, but this year really drove it home.  No matter who they are, no matter how much you love them/they love you, YOU are #1.  If you aren't happy, something has to change.

5. Racism is getting worse in this country.  Where once it was almost hidden, except from those who were targets, or like-minded souls, it is now everywhere.  And it is seen by a lot of people as justifiable!!

6. I found out why I bruise so badly at times.  I have a platelet disfunction disorder; a particular platelet in my blood doesn't work properly, but only occassionally.  It has no specific name, which is irritating, but at least I can say 'There IS something real here'.  I also know what medications I cannot take, and that giving blood is not a good idea.

7. I also found out that, while there are a lot of arsehats out there, there are also good people.  Still.  Coming on the road has exposed me to a lot of  different people, and I have made some great friends.  I've also met an incredible amount of tossers.

8. I really, really do not like driving.  I remember now why I put off getting a licence for so long.  I despise driving.  Second-guessing tossers is not my idea of a good time.  And there is something about a 1+ ton metal box that can turn the most reasonable human being into a complete wanker.  And I am supposed to thing for me, and them?!

9. I've become even more convinced that there is still magic in the world.  I don't care that we can explain the auroras, fairie rings, thunder and lightning through science.  I don't care that whitecaps aren't Neptune driving his horses hard.  If believing in magic makes me happy (which it does) I am going to do it.  Anyone who doesn't like it, can get stuffed.  So long as I don't hurt anyone, it's no-one's business but mine.