Looking for a light in the dark

Moving on out....................

2011-10-17T09:31:00.001+11:00

The time has come, the Walrus said...........

to move on out of the dark. To a new blog. Which is here:

Rosie's Random Ramblings.

It's been great, but now I have to go back into the light.

I'm still here. At least, I think I am.

2011-10-04T19:45:00.000+11:00

Remember that academic overload I told you about ages ago? Well, I think it's trying to kill me.

I knew when I took it on that it would be tough; what I didn't know was that the Internship was going to see me with a monster project. By monster I mean something that on average takes someone who knows what they are doing 3-6 months from Go! to Whoa! - and I got 6 weeks. It's been tough, but it has also been a great learning experience. And I had fun, mostly.

In other news, things have been a bit - interesting. I totally lost the plot the other week, I went on a crying/yelling jag, that saw my son tell me that it was like the lights were on, but no-one was home, there was no getting through to me. I scared him and my husband very badly that day. I didn't scare me, I don't remember it. Although from what they tell me, I would have been scared. Somehow, I am inclined to agree - I have blown a fuse once before - I scared my parents that day - and they didn't scare easy. I felt the switch being thrown (like a circuit breaker in my head being flipped) and then, nothing, until I came back to myself, sitting int he middle of the living room, feeling emotionally and physically drained.

What I do know is that since that day, I have been feeling like I am on a much more even keel - a lot of mental and emotional cobwebs got cleared out. And those who I need support from finally realised that I wasn't exaggerating - I really AM that much of a mess. My psychologist tells me that while the meltdown may have scared the bejabbers out of others, for me it was good, it released a lot of stress.

Not a whole lot happening on the getting out of here front - all the stuff we look at is utterly terrible - I wouldn't put the dog in some of them! What irks me is that I ask if there is anything at all wrong, I list the things that could be wrong, and get told that it's all fine - only to find that people have lied, after a 5 hour drive.

This must sound like a real downer post, but it's actually not - I am finally in a better place - I slipped over the edge of the abyss, and I managed to crawl back out - now I need to start moving towards the light. 1 step at a time..............

Still here, And I want...........

2011-08-31T17:15:00.000+10:00

School is Hell on legs at the moment. I have 2 huge assignments due - both real world projects, 1 will be instrumental in the implementation of a reserve management plan, the other, we shall see. And something like 4 others, and 3 presentations. Or something like that.

Looks like we will be island-hopping to get a caravan. When we find time.

In other news, I want these. And it's all Ania's fault.

I chopped my hair!

2011-08-17T15:41:00.000+10:00

Well, the hairdresser did. It was giving me the irrits, with being dry and tangly. So it had to go.

I had no qualms, and I have no regrets. Cutting off my hair was a symbolic move, as well as a practical one - I am letting go of the things that hold me back (not that my hair did, but it annoyed me, so same diff), and moving on.

4 inches less hair, and I feel so much lighter.

Stressed! And a clarification.

2011-07-26T20:43:00.000+10:00

The stress is nothing new - it's the start of a new Semester, and I always get stressed when things start in earnest. A few days away with The Mister will hopefully help. Mind you, I am taking my study gear with me.

Clarification: I wanted to clear up what I was talking about in my last post. I know that there are people out there who, due to the incredibly high housing costs (and power costs), would struggle to pay their mortgages on the Masterchef 'wage'.

I in no way meant to promote myself as a paragon of thrift - the only kind of thrift I am is a spendthrift - if I have it, I spend it. Nor did I mean to put down those who would struggle, due to the aforementioned costs.

My argument was with the guy who complained - he got a great experience and he, and anyone else on the show HAD to know going in how much they were going to get - unless they didn't read the contract they signed. If it was going to be too tight to maintain Real Life necessities, why would you do it?

So please, know that I meant nothing nasty by what I said - at least, not to anyone except the MC evictee. For him, I stand by my original thought - stop whining, you went in with your eyes open, you got a great experience, now get on with life.

$500 a week, a roof, food AND a great learning experience........

2011-07-19T19:11:00.000+10:00

....... and still it's not enough!

A recently evicted Master Chef Australia contender complained in the media that the contestants were paid only $500 a week. They were accommodated, fed, and were offered a great opportunity to learn. And paid for it, although not enough, apparently.

While the evictee said "I was ok, but imagine someone else doing that......' it does not excuse the whiny attitude. There are people out there, in the Great Southern Land, who make do on way less than the average weekly wage ($589 in case you wanted to know). I am one of them. I get $300 per week, and out of that, I pay rent, power, gas, phone, food, medication, transport, Uni supplies, internet, clothing - and feed the dog. And I survive.

Yes, many of the contestants come from mainland areas, where mortgage/rent rates are higher, but if you can't survive on $500 per week, while you aren't paying bills, or feeding yourself, then you are really in need of a wake-up call. Because, if you don't have a job to go back to, when you leave the show, you are coming into a world where you get far less than what you are now, and have a lot higher overheads to deal with.

Take a leaf out of Polly & Waz' (another reality TV couple) book, and enjoy the experience - learn what you can, and take it out into the world with you, as you head out on the next stage of your journey. But you will have to grow up quick, because it's tough out here.

Moving on..........

2011-07-14T17:05:00.000+10:00

............. or rather, moving forward; it can be tough. But we all have to do it at some stage.

I think I have held on to a lot of angst from my early years far too long. It is time to let it go. My husband tells me ALL THE TIME that I have to do just that - what he forgets is that, at the age when everyone else typically spends a few years sorting their heads out, I was raising a family - I never got that 'me' time. So it's taken me a bit longer to get there.

I am here now, and I am finally letting go. I have said 'Sod you!' to all the people who have used me, hurt me, or neglected me, and let them go. This includes family members. It's time for me. And by the Dickens, I intend to make the most of it!

Academic overload approved - YEAH!!

2011-07-11T14:08:00.000+10:00

I think this is really going to stretch me, and I couldn't be more excited!

Indeed..........

2011-07-09T19:22:00.000+10:00

miami beaches & hollywood hoes. (clipped to polyvore.com)

Sunset or sunrise?

2011-07-05T09:50:00.000+10:00

Which do you prefer?

For me, it's sunset. There are 2 main reasons for this:

1. It's prettier.
2. I don't have to get out of bed disgustingly early to see it.

Don't get me wrong, sunrises are pretty awesome too; they carry the promise of a fresh start, and the birdsong at sunrise is amazing. But, for now, I will maintain my preference for sunsets.

Take a look at these pics at the LiveScience - sunsets, sunrises, eclipses, and solar flares are all included. And some of the sunrises are pretty spectacular. But not enough to warrant me freezing my butt off to see them.

It's not the same........... and it's not ok

2011-07-01T08:37:00.000+10:00

It's really not. And no matter how you slice it, it's not going to change. And yes, I'm pissed. Or offended. Or both.

Yesterdayday, I was perusing one of my fave blogs, and the author was writing about a person who remarked on her appearance. Here is what she said:

I was walking into school today wearing this very outfit when I was stopped by a rather large Tongan guy handing out fliers for the school's dance this weekend. He said, "Ooooh girl I like your style (insert the hand gesture of an hourglass figure here), what's your name? Where are you from? Please say you are coming to the dance to dance with me.'

She identifies the man's nationality - and apparently, that's racism. A commenter says:

First let me say that I really like your blog and I read it everyday in my Google Reader. However, when you tell this story and you use a racial identifier it seems prejudicial especially since it didn't or shouldn't have had anything to do with the point of the story. Now, if you were talking to someone on campus who might have known said guy and needed an identifier to pick out which guy it was that thought you were hot, it would have been appropriate, but in this forum it's not.

I'm not writing this to say that you are a bad person in anyway, just letting you know that as a minority it's things like this that get you a little miffed. Had the guy been white, I doubt you would have said "this white guy". I'm telling you just to "drop some knowledge", JIC you don't accidentally offend anyone. I know I cringe when someone tells me a story and says, "this black girl" or "this black guy", if there is no need for it in the story.

Now, I am all about stamping out racism and racial vilification. But it works both ways here people. She didn't say 'black, purple, or green guy'. She said Tongan - she identified his country of origin. If she had said English, Canadian or French, would she have been told off in the same way?

Of course not. Because then it wouldn't have been about race - because his skin colour would not have been an obvious thing for someone to pick on as a means of being vindictive. The commenter says that as a member of a minority, these things leave you miffed - what things? The author didn't racially vilify or even identify the guy - there are people of Caucasian descent in the South Pacific - who is to say he wasn't of European appearance, and a resident of the island of Tonga?

The commenter advises the author to 'drop some knowledge', so as not to offend anyone. I would say to this person, 'Take your own advice!' Nationality is one thing, race is another, and you need to learn the difference, before you go around attacking people with your ignorance.

Read the whole thing here.

It's all up from here on out

2011-06-26T12:17:00.000+10:00

Of late, many of my posts have been ranty or negative. This is a pattern that I have to end. So, today is the final chapter in my misery saga. Because I feel I owe an explanation of where my head has been, and where all that crap came from, I'm going to tell you something painful.

My husband is dying. No-one can explain why, nor can they stop it. It's a genetic fault, and nothing can be done. His heart is failing, and will continue to do so, until he has a monster heart attack. Then it's all over.

We have been grieving, and it has been truly hard. When he was working, he would head out the door at all hours of the day or night, to who-knew-where, and it was a case of wait and see if he came home. That was easier to deal with, in a weird way - if it happened, it was the luck of the draw.

This is different - we know it is going to happen, we just don't know when. There is no way around it, no bullets to dodge. It's in him, and it's with us every damn day. We can do nothing but wait.

Frustration runs rampant - for both of us. Our future plans have been changed, not all in a bad way. We view the past, and while we see the good times, we also see the wasted time. That is what drives the frustration, anger and fear.

So, from now on, no more negativity. It is what it is, and I just have to deal with it.

Best laid plans and all that jazz

2011-06-24T18:51:00.000+10:00

Remember a little while ago, when I said I had 1 intensive unit, and 1 13 week unit for the remainder of the year? Well, I kinda fibbed. I was telling the truth at the time, but, well, these other options were presented, so I jumped on them. But I need more room for electives.

Now, after promising myself a cruisy Semester 2, I am doing a Policy unit, the intensive unit (Community Development), a unit where I go to forums/talks at the Uni, and analyse them, work placement, and an 8 day intensive field work unit. If I had room, I'd do an environmental management one too, another 8-dayer, in January.

What is wrong with me? Well, for starters, I am bored. I am at the end of my first week of 3 off, and I am bored spitless - I need to be using my brain. Or sleeping. Mmmmm, sleep...........

They cut off my hair, but it looked alright.......

2011-06-14T19:36:00.000+10:00

Still here...........

2011-06-13T17:05:00.002+10:00

..... still studying.

Round 1 of Semester 1 exams over!

2011-06-08T17:54:00.000+10:00

My poor head is aching like mad. But I think I got through.

I have another exam next Friday, then a week or 2 off, then an intensive unit, then in Semester 2 I have 1 unit, and work placement.

I think I need a lie down.

The night the lights went out

2011-06-07T16:12:00.000+10:00

'twas a dark night, on a deserted road - we were heading to a free camping spot. It was almost midnight. We were feeling pretty good, we'd had dinner with the kids, and seen a band, and were generally feeling pretty relaxed.

Until the lights went out. One minute we're driving down a gravel road, watching for wildlife in the hi-beams, the next, it's pitch dark, and we can smell burning electrics. Cue the end of good cheer.

We sat on the side of the road for 10 minutes, cursing, swearing and trying to work out what exactly had fried, before we got lights back, sort of. Very weak, and stinky, but there. They got us to a gravel carpark, at a council works depot, where we crawled in the back and tried to sleep.

5.30 a.m., and the sound of car doors rouses us from our snooze - the workers are arriving. Crawl out of the car, look around. The workers didn't give us a second look, until one chap wandered over as we performed a daylight inspection of under-bonnet wiring. He recommended us a mechanic, and off we went.

Long story short - $160, countless coffees and 4 hours later, we had the problem fixed. We were lucky that was all we copped, someone (previous owner?) put 100w globes in a fitting rated for 55w, and it fried some of the wiring, when it overheated through extended use (we used the hi-beams for 30 minutes, their longest run since we got the car).

While it wasn't something we viewed happily at the time, I think in the end it proved that we WILL be alright when we get out there, for real. We had a disaster, and we coped, without killing each other. Go us!

It's the little things you miss................

2011-06-05T13:55:00.000+10:00

......... be they an annoying 2 year old, or a sleep in on a Sunday. You don't realise how much a part of your life these things are, until they aren't there for a time, and then come back.

Today, for the first time in almost 12 months, the husband and I got to sleep in. We slept til 10, an unheard of luxury, then had breakfast and read the paper - in bed! In peace. This is how our lives were meant to be, at this stage of our existence.

As glorious as this morning was, I find myself hanging out for the return of the annoying 2 year old. Not the annoying part, but the cute part. 7 a.m. demands for breakfast? Not a happy thought. Tired, cranky baby fighting to stay up at 10-11 p.m.? Lord preserve me (he rules his father with a tiny iron fist). The demand that Nanna pick him up for a cuddle and kiss? That I can handle.

What I hope is that his mother has grown up (and not before time) and we can continue the overnights - once or twice a fortnight, to give his grandfather and I some breathing space. We love him dearly, and he is gorgeous, but we are not mentally or emotionally equipped to handle a 2 year old for 12-14 hours a day anymore. We need our sleep.We are old.

I believe in ghosts.............

2011-05-31T15:03:00.000+10:00

... dragons, unicorns, mermaids, faeries, leprechauns and magic.

That is all.

The way things were..........

2011-05-29T19:38:00.000+10:00

Living quarters and "juke joint" for migratory workers, a slack season, in Belle Glade, Fla., in February 1941.

"Backstage" at the "girlie" show at the Vermont state fair, Rutland, in September 1941.

Nearly 50 trucks lined up outside of a starch factory, Caribou, Aroostook County, Me. Some had been waiting for twenty-four hours for the potatoes to be graded and weighed, in October 1940.

Day laborers picking cotton near Clarksdale, Miss. Delta, in November 1940.

Text and images courtesy of LiveScience.

My bub and Ms Aniston......

2011-05-29T16:21:00.000+10:00

Ignore the age difference, it's something like 20 years. But the smile - and the general sparkle, is so similar. Not to mention gestures and body language.

It's taken me til now to place it, but once I did......... even Mr26 saw it, when I called him in and said, "Does Jennifer Aniston remind you of anyone we know?"

My degree........... BRRM

2011-05-24T16:21:00.000+10:00

Bachelor of Regional Resource Management. Majors in Regional Science (compulsory) and Natural Resource Management (my choice of the 4 offered). Minor: Understanding Communities (compulsory).

Why? Because it didn't sound dry, and like it was all black and white. I have a thing for wanting to know what's over there, and in this degree, going to have a look is encouraged.

So far, I have maintained a Distinction (80/100) through the 9 units I have done (degree is 24). I am studying part-time because I don't drive, and a large percentage of the units I need to do are restricted in when/how they are offered.

My electives (I get 4), have all been Antarctic related - Antarctic Studies A & B, Antarctic Tourism, and Antarctic and Oceans Policy. I have had a blast doing these.

Where do I hope to end up? I have no idea, or plans. My plan was to kill time, and to prove to myself that I am indeed capable of gaining a degree. Beyond that, no plans, except to have fun getting to graduation.

The land of dreams

2011-05-23T09:42:00.000+10:00

Have you ever had a dream where the objects and people are so real you can not only see and hear them, but taste, feel and smell them? Changes in ambient temperature in the environment you inhabit in your dream world are so real, you feel them, be it blistering cold, or blasting heat. The colours are crisp and real, and you are there, in that world, even though you know, on some level, that you aren't?

These are no ordinary dreams, they are real, so real that even though you are jumping between being IN the dream, and then watching the action, you know that the things happening are actually occurring, somewhere. Good, bad or indifferent, they are happening, on some plane, and you are there.

Often, these dreams don't stay with you after you wake - the feelings they invoked may, and a general sense of unease, or happiness, but the bulk of the dream will fade. In my experience of late, this is probably a good thing.

I have never had one of these dreams interpreted. I know what the ones I am having of late mean, and where they come from. Are they happening, in some other realm? Maybe. Most probably they are my brain's way of dealing with the things that aren't a dream, that I wish were, in a non-confronting way. A blow-off valve, built into my subconscious, to allow me to continue to function.

I much prefer the dreams that involve warm temperatures, and happy feelings. Hopefully they will return soon.

How do the Law students do it?

2011-05-22T18:30:00.000+10:00

So much contradiction....... so many twists, turns, and yes, buts...............

That could just be International Law, but somehow I don't think so. Obviously, you need a fantastic brain, with a level of mental agility similar to or exceeding the physical agility of a cat, to survive Law school.

I have 2,550 words of my 3,000 word assignment, and I have no idea if any of it makes sense. And right now, I don't care! It's *only* worth 40% of my mark..................

More scenery - same route, different stuff....

2011-05-20T17:06:00.000+10:00

Scenes from a walk

2011-05-19T12:26:00.001+10:00

Sad, lonely and yet somehow majestic...........

2011-05-18T09:54:00.000+10:00

That is how I would describe this picture. The decay is horrific, as is the waste - a beautiful building, which cost many hours of blood, sweat and tears, not to mention dollars, left to rot. And yet, even though the paint is peeling, the walls are buckling, and carpet is rotting, there is something majestic about it. In some ways, I think this sad majesty actually increases, or rather enhances, the beauty of the room.

Original picture, and other abandoned theatres here.

I am Number 4, Dianna, and Ashley

2011-05-14T11:24:00.003+10:00

We watched the movie I am number 4 the other night. I can't remember much, other than a teenager who was an alien, being hunted by other aliens. And he developed kick-butt telepathic powers, right as he fell for this chick;

and that's about all I can tell you. Because every time Dianna Agron came on the screen, I was so busy thinking "Oh, she looks so much like Ashley! I can really see Ashley wearing that outfit." or something similar.

So who is Ashley? She has a gorgeous blog I Believe in Unicorns, and is a super cute, smart and sweet young lady who graduated from ASU yesterday. Not to mention, rather stylish, and, I suspect, a lot of fun to hang out with.

I love Autumn!

2011-05-10T20:23:00.000+10:00

It's tied with Spring as my favourite season. I love the spring-time because it's all when the trees start to bud, the birds start to come back, and the promise of warm weather is in the air.

This is one of the things I love about Autumn:

How pretty are those trees?

The other thing I like about this time of year is the change in the air. I despise rainy, windy weather. Snow is NOT my idea of fun. But, give me a crisp day with little or no wind, and I am a happy woman.

There is something in the air in Autumn that makes my heart sing. I don't know what it is, but it's there - it's happened in both hemispheres. I wasn't even aware that Autumn (or Fall, as my Nevada friends call it) had officially started, but I knew that it had unofficially, simply by the way I felt.

Living History

2011-04-13T16:43:00.000+10:00

How cool is this picture? I saw it the other day on my way to an appointment, and had to take a picture of it. I often walk past the house in question, and have wondered many times what on Earth are they doing?! Well, now I know. I can't wait to see the end result.

I love that this was put up to emphasise the history of the house. Tasmania is full of historical buildings, but those which attract attention are often those which were convict built. Don't get me wrong, I find those both amazing, and heartbreakingly sad. But I think that an acknowledgment of an 'ordinary' building is a great step forward in the appreciation of our history.

Another fine example of our history - bricks laid in the footpath at Campbell Town, listing the convicts who resided in the area - the ship they came on, the crime they were transported for, length of sentence and what they did after arrival.

There are so many places here where history is just around the corner, but these are 2 great examples of how it can be made more readily accessible to everyone. And I think they are fabulous. And fascinating.

Morgan and Eva. Anyone else see it?

2011-04-10T10:34:00.003+10:00

Yesterday morning, as I handed my husband his coffee, I glanced at his computer screen, and did a huge double take. He had the news page up, and I couldn't believe what I was seeing - Morgan from MVD on the Australian news! My first thought was "Oh wow, Morgan's on the news!" My second was "Oooh, I like her hair that way."

Closer inspection showed that it wasn't Morgan (bugger!) but Eva Longoria. And then it hit me, how much Eva looks like Morgan, especially when she smiles.

Some of this resemblance is probably down to the fact that both are gorgeous, petite brunettes with kick-arse style, but the main thing is they have the same smile. Seriously, every time I see a picture of either one smiling, I feel happy, and smile right along with them. One day, I am going to meet Morgan, for real. Because, as cool as it would be to meet a a Hollywood star, I think it would be even cooler to meet Morgan, because she is so much a part of my life, even though we have never met in person, and our lives are polar opposites (Eva's life could be no more different to mine than Morgan's is).

So there we have it - the Morgan/Eva connection. I live in hope that one day, Morgan WILL appear on the news page, but hopefully not on Letterman, with a wardrobe malfunction.

Once Were Warriors...............

2011-04-05T20:05:00.000+10:00

............ and now, they are lost.

The movie, Once Were Warriors, was based on Book 1 of a trilogy by Alan Duff; Once Were Warriors, What Becomes of the Broken Hearted, and Jake's Long Shadow.

The books (and the 2 movies that were made), follow the Heke family, their all too rare ups, and frequent, often violent, downs.

The Heke's are a family of proud Maori descent, living in cheap Government housing, in a rough part of town. The man of the house, Jake, aka Jake the Muss, struggles to find work, and spends considerable time and money, drinking. His wife is the usual target of his violent rages, which see her unable to leave the house, their kids cowering in corners, and friends turning a blind eye.

There are some pretty horrific scenes in this movie, it's not something I would recommend for sensitive souls. I read the book before I saw the movie, knew what to expect, and I was still utterly devastated.

I think part of that goes back to when I was growing up. The drinking, poverty and violence the Heke family lived with were all too familiar. The town I grew up in was small and poor, drinking was a fact of life, and the violence that often ensued as a result, accepted as the way things went.

To be fair, violence was not something that happened or was accepted in my parent's home. Drinking was. Poverty was our bedfellow. We had close family who endured beatings and worse at the hands of loved ones. And no-one did anything. Because that was the way things were, how they had been for years, and how they would (and do) remain.

Much of this occurred on Dad's side; he had many brothers, and only 3 sisters. He was the youngest, and the older boys were not above reminding him of that, should he 'step out of line' as it were. Mum had only 2 brothers. One of those had an - interesting - marriage, it wasn't uncommon for their children to turn up on our doorstep, or Nan's in the middle of the night.

What does this have to do with the Heke's? Not a lot. I will say though, I saw many, many Jakes as I was growing up. Men who had lost their sense of selfworth, and their identity, and took solace in a bottle, only to have their frustrations resurface, to be directed at their wife and kids in the form of violence.

That is what Jake the Muss taught me - that understanding someone's pain, and their sense of loss, does not preclude you from despising their actions. You can do both. And wonder at yourself for doing so.

Saddest toy ever

2011-04-03T18:22:00.000+10:00

Andrea over at A Cat of Impossible Colour posted the above picture the other day, and it made me want to cry. Still does.

Style icons

2011-04-01T16:20:00.000+11:00

We all have them, even the woefully unstylish amongst us (that would be me). Audrey Hepburn is one of the most iconic, and universally adored. Jacki Kennedy Onassis is another.

While these women were very stylish, and extremely classy, they were/are a bit - bland - for my more exuberant tastes. I think Carla whats-it (French PM's wife and former model), who is often compared to Jackie O, and Princess Mary of Denmark are very well-dressed, and classy. But they are also playing within the lines of what is expected. I like unexpected.

Which is why I adore Kirsten Vangsness' sense of style, both on and off-screen. She rocks everything she wears, breaks rules, makes new ones, and doesn't seem to care what others think - she clearly has fun with her style, and dresses for herself.

I also adore Dita von Teese' style - vintage femme. Like Ms Vangsness, she has found a look that works for her, and who she is, and goes with it, always.

Not everyone can pull off the looks that these women do - I couldn't do either. Both take a lot of confidence, and a damn sight more 'I don't care' than I have. And I think they are fabulous.

Someone please explain, because I don't get it at all!

2011-03-31T13:34:00.001+11:00

The state I live in is broke. Actually, in debt to the tune of $AUD1billion. For a population of less than 500,000 people. Our hospitals are falling down, physically and in terms of patient care, people are sleeping in parks in ever increasing numbers, crimes go unsolved as police numbers are reduced, and schools are struggling to maintain educational standards.

So what does our government do, in their infinite wisdom? They decide that as of next year, they will spend between $400,000 and $600,000 to bring a second Aussie Rules team to play 2 or 3 matches a season here. We already have Hawthorn, at a cost of $18million over the last 5 years, not including junkets and advertising. That's $4million into club coffers, for a couple of games a year, in the North East.

North Melbourne, should this deal come off, will play in the South East, in the state capital. There are no numbers yet about how much they have been offered to come here - the figures released thus far are per-game costs.

Yes, they have a vision, our government. I'm just not sure what it is. And some days I wonder if they know themselves.

Time to be honest, I am...........

2011-03-31T10:02:00.000+11:00

......... probably one of the laziest people you could ever meet.

I read on Meet Virginia, that if it wasn't for her blog being a style blog, she wouldn't bother getting 'dressed', she'd go for comfort. Because she is lazy, apparently.

Now, this made me feel a bit better, this woman has amazing style, and from what I can see, a wardrobe to match, is cute as a button, and if she didn't have to get in front of a camera every day, wouldn't bother making the effort. If someone that cute and stylish has those days, I guess I can too.

Now, I am not totally bone idle. I do my housework, I cook. I even do laundry. And, when I can be bothered, I study. I also walk a minimum of 10km (6 miles) a day, and do weight work every second. So I am not totally sedentary.

The laziness is more of the mental variety than the physical - I just cannot be bothered, so I don't. I actually think my main problem is lack of inspiration............... where to find some of that? Oh, and clothes to match it.

Yeah, that would be good - except I would have to go shopping. And of course, I can't be bothered.

Enough already.........

2011-03-29T16:49:00.000+11:00

............. seriously, I'm over it.

The feral nutjob is back to his old tricks, and his feral lady friend across the road from us (she moved in after he left, but both are junkies, so.......) is helping him.

My head is exploding, I am too scared to walk even as far as the mailbox without having a video camera running, and the Law can do - nothing.

Yep, it's just another day in Paradise.

Congratulations to Ani and Roy.......

2011-03-25T11:57:00.000+11:00

.........on the safe arrival of Chael Kai.

He is beautiful. I am so very happy for you both.

The other day.............

2011-03-10T20:24:00.000+11:00

I broke my big toe, and dislocated my thumb. Right foot, right hand. At the same time, in the same incident.

This is not the first time I have managed something this clever, I once broke my little toe, and dislocated my pinky. Right foot, right hand. Same time. Same incident.

Oddly, as sore as my toe was initially, it's my thumb that is giving me the most grief. Which is odd when you consider I walk 10km (6miles) or more every single day. But, there it is, now the swelling is gone, or at least mostly gone, my toe is good, unless I kick it. Then I cry. Right after I swear. A lot.

Get a dictionary. Right now.

2011-03-08T16:47:00.000+11:00

Seriously. Get. a. goddamn. dictionary. And use it. Because all the atrocious spelling I have seen today is giving me a headache.

We have 'shammee' on a carwash - because 'chamois' is too hard for people to work out what it means/how to say it. I asked.

Expresso - I may let this one slide, as it IS a marketing tool. Tomorrow. Today, it needs fixing.

One does not 'loge' a tax return. You 'lodge' it. Or find an accountant who knows how to proof-read their business cards/signs.

No-one in their right mind is going to hire a 'secetary'. They would much rather a 'secretary', of this I am sure.

And if you can get a ship to set 'sale' well, more power to you - me, I thought they set 'sail' and a 'sale was where you saved bucketloads of money on everyday prices. Although, given the prices here as opposed to there, maybe 'sale' is an appropriate spelling.....

Now, before anyone (is there anyone?) reading this starts in with the vitriol, I am NOT referring to bloggers, FaceBookers, or anyone else out there who is simply typing things for their own pleasure. All of these errors were spotted on businesses around town. And. they. piss. me. off. Because image is everything in attracting new business, this place is going backwards, and these types of glaring errors are part of the reason.

And yes, I do make spelling mistakes/typos. I admit that. I correct what I catch. But I am doing this for myself, not to get someone to give me their money. Although, if someone wanted to give me money for writing my blog, I'd take it ;)

First visit to the shrink, and size 8 jeans

2011-03-07T15:27:00.000+11:00

Didn't learn anything I didn't already know at the psychologists, but that's not why I am going. I am going to learn how to put what I know into practice, to save my sanity, and quite possibly my marriage. Seriously, how on Earth we aren't divorced yet is beyond me!

Yes, but the jeans, what about the jeans?! I hear you, so here's the scoop.

In recent months I have lost a lot of weight - a LOT - from around 80kg 18 months ago down to 60kg - a size 16 to a size 8-10. I know this because all the clothes I owned were/are falling off. A wee detour on the way home today scored me a pair of size 8 jeans, and a pair of size 9's too. So not only do I have the first jeans I have owned in............. a very long time, they are size 8's (and a 9, but we're going with 8 because it sounds so much cooler, being the size I was some 22 years ago - pre-children).

Best bit? The 2 pairs together, in extraordinarily good order, cost me a massive $10. That's 1/6 of the cheaper pair's retail price. Another good bit was hubby's approval as I showed them off when I got home.......

Arsehats vs Samaritans. Winner take all......

2011-03-05T14:45:00.000+11:00

I am a cynic. We all know this. And yet, I fully believe that the Samaritans will win out in the end. Even though they are outnumbered. Because, no matter how messed up things get, there is that vital core of human beings who believe in doing what is right.

Case in point: yesterday, on a stretch of ocean highway, coming home from Uni - husband driving. Round a long sweeping bend to see debris all over the road, and a damaged car rolling backwards, facing the wrong way. about 300m in front of us. Not good.

We pulled up, as did the car behind us. We got the driver, a 19 year old woman, out of the car (she was getting out herself, even before we got to her) and to the safety of the other side of the road. Rang police and an ambulance. Gave her my jacket, as she was shivering, and no-one else had anything.

As we stood waiting for the police/ambo to turn up, we watched traffic on the stretch of road leading to the accident site - they HAD to see the car parked on the shoulder, with it's hazards on (ours) as they came out of the corner; they HAD to see the debris all over the road (one lane was particularly bad), they HAD to see the second car on the shoulder near the accident site, as well as the damaged car, and 5 people standing on the side of the road. And yet, they came flying up the blocked lane, to the point where there were 6 near-misses for crashes, and 1 did actually impact.

The drivers of the cars in question got out and started yelling at each other. In the middle of the highway, with traffic and mess everywhere. Then the Law arrived. Which was a good thing in more ways than 1, not only was I terrified that someone was going to fly around the corner and kill us all, I was sick of the people who were going past yelling at us to clean up the road.

The debris was from a flat-tray that lost part of it's load - another driver saw it spewing stuff all over the highway, got the rego, and came back around onto our side of the carriageway to tell the police.

In this instance, there were more arsehats than Samaritans. But, those who stopped, did so from genuine concern for another human being. That's why I think the Samaritans will win. Because they are still out there, and the arsehats can't beat them all.

Save water, create jobs; cut down trees.

2011-03-03T14:33:00.000+11:00

Don't yell at me! This is a perfectly legitimate idea. You just have to hear me out.

By trees I mean willow trees - they clog our waterways, and are a pest. Removal allows for natives to grow, creates habitat for wildlife (willows aren't great for Australian native animals), and frees up massive water resources.

Removal is time consuming and costly.There is a way around this.

We have Work-for-the-Dole (unemployment benefit), and Green Corps (unemployed under-25's), who are routinely sent out to work on 'community projects'. They get paid extra (not a lot, but extra) to do this - let's get them into willow removal. We will be giving them skills that will stand in good stead, particularly in Tasmania, as water resources become even more valuable. And it will be long-term work - willows are NOT easy to get rid of.

2 problems solved, for the price of none.

I am a scholar. Not.

2011-02-26T13:54:00.000+11:00

I think I have mentioned here before that I am at university. Studying to gain my Bachelor of Regional Resource Management, with Majors in Regional Science and Natural Resource Management, and a Minor in Understanding Communities.

I always wanted to go to Uni - it sounded cool - like a worthwhile achievement. And now I am there. Doing ok. Except for the scholarly part. There I fall over badly.

I don't use the appropriate language. I don't understand half of the words I am meant to use, so I avoid them. I grasp the concepts fine, but the big words and convoluted language throw me for a major loop. I just cannot get my head around it.

Don't get me wrong, I can use 100 words to say what could be said in 20 just fine. I do it all the time. But I can't use words I don't have any understanding of. If I *think* I understand what they mean, I'll use them. If I am wrong in my understanding, I learn something. But having NO GRASP at all on a word, I won't use it.

So, I use plain Australian English. Or my own version thereof. I lose some marks, but I can live with that.

I am very fortunate that the lecturers are aware of the fact that I struggle with the language. They generally apply the theory that if we can grasp the concepts, and explain them somehow, they are doing their job. Generally. The Faculty of Arts is not so easy to talk to (no matter what the issue is), but IMAS, IASOS, and IRD are great.

I will get there in the end. I will continue to call a spade a spade, and explain things in a way that I understand. Because I am damn sure I am not the only one out there who struggles with academia and it's language.

Decorum. Please!

2011-02-25T17:38:00.000+11:00

Is it just me, or are people becoming more - in-everyone's-face with their shows of affection?

You know what's really scary? I'm not talking about people I can see in the actual, real world! I'm talking about Facebook, Twitter, and MySpace. What the Hell is going on?! There's enough mushy drivel on these sites to make Cupid puke - and that's saying something!

It's not just kids either, I have had to block a 44-year-old's posts from appearing on my FB wall, because it's all 'I can't wait to hold you in my arms again, I love you sooooo much. I can't believe I let you go...' Which is fine, in its place. Just don't make me suffer through it with you, more than 10 times a day, every day. Thank you.

I am not totally anti 'I love you' posts on social media sites - I know a couple who 'met' online, then in real life, and who now are happily living together.* They often post "I love you' or 'I miss you' to each other. But that's it. The personal stuff, they keep personal. And so, those wee messages of love make me smile. Because they are just that - wee messages.

I get the same lovely feeling when I see those posts as I do when I see the (local and lovely) old couple sharing a motorised wheelchair/scooter thingy when I am out walking. They are together, and existing happily in each other's space, with no need to shove their togetherness, and need of or desire for each other, in everyone's faces. It is what it is, and they are happy with it.

So, for the - PDA-averse - amongst us, please dial it back a little. Keep things hot and heavy by all means; just keep them private. There's a lot to be said for keeping people guessing about what you are up to.

* I think this is one of those Meant To Be things. I hope so. The modern world is lacking in Meant To Be..........

Explaining myself............

2011-02-20T16:00:00.000+11:00

Re-reading some of my more recent posts, I come across as whiny. Mainly about my clothes. So I thought I'd best clarify WHY I have nothing to wear, and why I'm just whinging, rather than doing something about it.

My husband and I are leaving this year, no later than December, earlier if we can, to travel the country for a minimum of 2 years, in a tent/campervan/something.

I have lost 10kg+ in the past 12 months (so 20+ pounds) and so have had to heave most of my clothes. Which wouldn't be a problem, normally. I'd just go buy more. But, with the trip looming, and still losing weight, I have to stand back, and assess things.

How practical for travel will the item be? Is it something that will fit/look ok if I lose more weight? Is it something I can lounge around a bush campsite, and walk city streets in? Does it pack down small?

So, that is the news, and the reason for my wardrobe woes.

30x30

2011-02-19T13:20:00.001+11:00

One day, I will do something like this - I think it's brilliant.

Several (mainly US) bloggers (Kendi and Indiana are two) are participating in this shop-your-wardrobe activity. Basically, you pick 30 items you own (accessories are not counted in the 30, shoes are) and remix them into different outfits for 30 days.

I think this is a brilliant idea - because it not only means you have to actually look at what you own, it inspires you to step outside your everyday comfort zone.

If I had enough clothes, I'd do this for sure. As it is, I live in sweatpants (4), tshirts (6) and jumpers (3), because they are the only things I own that remotely fit (I have 1 button down shirt that kinda fits, no pants, 2 skirts and 2 dresses that fit if I put something underneath to prevent flashing), and because that's what almost everyone in this sinkhole wears, so I blend in. That, or ratty jeans, or (Heaven help me) styled separates - like you see in Myer catalogues on the over 60's). Unless it's pub night - then it's short, low cut and tight.

So that's 19 items, and while I change it up as much as I can, it's not easy. One day, I will live somewhere I can do a 30x30, without fear of physical attack due to sticking out, and therefore being more visible to a specific nasty piece of work, and have enough clothes that fit to do it. One day.

It's summer, and I am wearing thermals

2011-02-19T10:44:00.000+11:00

I kid you not. 'Official' summer ends in about a week and half, the last 2 days have been disgustingly humid, and today, I am in thermals.

When I go outside I will be wearing wet weathers, gumboots, a beanie, scar and gloves. If the wind drops off, I'll take an umbrella. If not, I will swear a LOT. And tell the dog that it's all his fault, and that he better appreciate me more from here on out.

Yep, I will put all that on to go out and feed the dog. Because, while I can handle being cold,(with a lot of whinging) I hate, hate, hate, getting wet.

Blog/Style envy. And why I don't opp-shop much.

2011-02-17T19:29:00.001+11:00

I am not by nature a jealous/envious person. But there are blogs out there that see me turn a rather unbecoming shade of green. Many are in my Essential Reading.

The ones that make me the most Shrek-like are the style blogs. Especially the ones with vintage/thrifted (or, for us Aussies, opp-shopped) clothes.

I agree with Andrea (ACoIC) that one of life's greatest joys is finding treasure buried in a pile of ick. But my problem is that 90% of what I have access to here, while not necessarily 'Ick', is at the least - boring. It has that air of sameness that drives me to despair.

I don't want to stand out (really, I don't, not here), but I also don't want to fade into the human background either.

I used to love opp-shopping when I was younger, before it became cool - we found some awesome treasures. Today, it's a big yawn. I drool over the blogs, and wish that we had somewhere I could buy cool stuff like that. And then I remember that I don't have anywhere I could wear the cool stuff, so it's probably a good thing. Which turns me even greener.

Although, I am going to need some new gear for winter, as all my clothes are falling off me. Maybe it's time to get back in the ring, and have a go? Who knows, I might find some treasure!

Already?!

2011-02-15T20:31:00.000+11:00

It's February - the children are back to school, the grown-ups will soon follow (well, I started 2 weeks ago, in Summer school), and some of the trees are already turning.

Where did January go? Did I blink and miss it? Or was I so badly distracted that I just lost track of time?

I suspect it was the latter - it has NOT been smooth sailing here, what with one thing and another. Hopefully though, with a bit of luck, things will settle down. And if they don't, well, only 10 months til we are LEAVING!!!

I can do 10 months here - surely? Without murdering/divorcing my husband? I can try..............

In all fairness, it isn't his fault, he has major health issues, needs at least 2 major surgeries, and to top it all off, like he needed MORE stress, the feral nutjob junkie is back and in fine form - his brother moved in over the road, so he has a 'reason' to be near us. Of course, no normal person visits their sibling 20 different times a day, but he never claimed to be normal.........

In other news, my baby sister is engaged, my mum has made the final move (taking Mr15 with her) and my baby brother is moving back to this end of the island at the end of the month.

I see a psychologist on the 7th of next month - I have been receiving counseling, but the issues are deeper than they can treat. Fingers crossed I click with this woman - I want to get better so bad!

Will keep you posted, expect a rant or 3 over the next week, we are doing the AVO thing with the feral again - we were told that bail conditions protected us, only to learn yesterday, 7 months after our last AVO expired that there are no bail conditions!

Australia Day 2011

2011-01-26T11:48:00.000+11:00

Or, as certain amongst the community would have it, Invasion Day.

To them I say this "Wake up! If the 'invaders' hadn't arrived, you wouldn't be protesting, because you wouldn't exist."

Atrocities happen every day, in every part of the world. We simply don't hear about them - or if we do, it's a whisper rather than a scream. Or a scream cut short, followed by deafening silence. A year on from the killer 'quake, Haitians are still living in abject poverty. There are people in our own country with life expectancies under 40, many of whom will suffer greatly before dying.

Half the country is under water, and yet, the focus remains on 1 small sector of the affected area. Those who make the most noise, receive the most attention.

I am not saying don't protest - by all means, holler as loudly as you can. But make it a noise for the future. The past is just that, past, we can't change it. What we do today WILL affect the future. Look beyond your immediate vicinity, to those other areas where your help and voice will be appreciated.

Above all, enjoy the day, remember those who died that we may continue to live in a free society, and have a beer for me.

Hum..................

2011-01-23T15:27:00.002+11:00

The black dog is back. I wake up every morning, realise that yes, this is real, and want to cry. Back to the doctor I go.

The Mister gets another lot of cholesterol tests next month, and also sees the ortho for his hips.

Court against the feral junkie took all day, and we still have to go back in May.

Mr21 and Miss19 are doing well, individually.

Queensland.....

2011-01-14T18:45:00.001+11:00

is under water. Lives and livelihoods have been lost. My heart aches for the state and her people.

Watch out road users........

2011-01-14T18:44:00.001+11:00

I am legally allowed on the roads - I sat and passed my L's today.

Who's bright idea.............

2011-01-01T18:16:00.000+11:00

........was it to do 1,000 pushups, 1,000 crunches and 1,000 squats for New Year? And how did I let myself get talked into it?!

I am not sure exactly WHO came up with this *brilliant* idea, but it's been running for a few years now, as part of the Ultimate Black Belt Test - or at least I think that's what it's associated with. I know that the Goju-Shorei Systems encourages members to participate, which is how we know about it.. It's tough, but I'm going to finish it. Troy did it yesterday, and I am doing it today. 1st and 2nd Aussies to do it - go team!

Now, please excuse me, I have 300 of each to go, and then a Radox bath awaits me.

Roadside Memorials

2010-12-30T15:46:00.001+11:00

This is a subject that is raised in the media from time to time. Usually with some Road Safety group or other saying that they should be removed/banned, as they are an uneccessary and dangerous distraction to drivers.

Before I get too worked up, let me preface this by saying that I am usually a passenger - although I am currently working on rectifying that issue. And noticing these things more.

As a passenger, I notice the memorials, and they make me sad. Not too far from here, on the road out of town, there is a whopping 8foot metal cross, outlined in hi-vis (lights up when headlights hit it) paint. In the day, it's not obvious - at night, you can't miss it. On the other side of the road out of town, on those high-tension wires, sits a floral memorial. This one, you can't miss during the day. Both are visible from 50+ metres on a clear day. The cross, you can see in driving rain.

What you can't see, at least not properly, are the markers the Government apparently puts out to mark accident spots. A black one with a white coffin for deaths, and a red one with a white cross for injuries. They are about the size of the reflectors on the roadside posts, and are in fact attached to the posts. Along with the reflectors. It took some doing, but I eventually found one. I see the big signs telling me they are there often though.

According to lobbyists, these are safer than roadside memorials, as they are less obtrusive. Errrr, no. A flash, seen out of the corner of your eye, is MORE of a distraction, because your mind has to process what it could have been; rather than ' What? Oh, memorial. Poor bastards', you've got, 'WTF? Was that a ..........? No. Then what the Hell was it? Was it important?' going on. Which takes a damn sight longer (and more brain power) than 'What? Oh, memorial. Poor bastards.'

If you want to reduce distraction, how about removing extraneous signage? Those damn flashing signs that you only used to see announcing roadworks, but are now used to advertise the latest special at the pub, are a ginormous hazard. Brain says 'Roadworks sign' and you are distracted from driving, only to be reading about the cheap meals at the pub down the road. Not a hazard at all. Billboards aren't quite as bad, although sometimes, their placement leaves a lot to be desired. Ditto actual road signs - put 'em where they can be seen easily!

My final thought on the whole thing, is that those who make the noise, should actually look in their own backyard. 2 police officers in the past 12 months, both members of the Road Safety Taskforce, killed while driving at high speeds (200+ kmh) after drinking at their respective police station bars. To the point of at least 3 times the legal blood alcohol limit. The only fortunate thing is that neither took anyone else with them.

Allow those who wish to put up memorials to do so, fix stupid speed limit changes - the one in Victoria with something like a dozen changes in 10km is a classic example, police the black spots, ban extraneous signage, and slow down!

And for the record, the (straight, flat) section of road where that monster cross is, used to be a black spot. Since the inception of the cross, there have been no fatalities on that stretch of road. Accidents caused by stupid speed limit changes (from 110 to 80 to 110 to 90 to 80 in about 2km), but no more fatalities. Food for thought, doncha reckon?!

Added 7th January 2011 - so today, we drove around 600km+. Saw 7 roadside memorials and not one Government sanctioned marker - plenty of their signs, but no markers. And a Road Safety Taskforce car, with the driver cruising along at 110kmh, chatting on their mobile phone - non-handsfree.

While I was at it, I counted the signs 1km either side of the giant cross - roadsigns, advertising, the whole shebang. 20 when heading South (so on the same side as the cross), 34 heading North (opposite side of the road). So, in a 2km distance, that's 54 signs. Plus driveways, a roundabout, and a crossroads. Oh, and 4 cars for sale parked near the hospital at the roundabout. And 3 speed changes in that same space.

It's almost 'that' time of year again.....

2010-12-17T12:45:00.000+11:00

The time when we all make promises we hope to keep, even though we know it's not likely to happen.

One of the most common is 'This year I will lose weight, and keep it off'. We are assisted in our pursuit of weight loss by an endless parade of wonder chemicals, diet plans, exercise plans, TV shows, and of course, surgery.

While a bit of extra assistance is always handy to shift those first few stubborn kilos, the only thing that is really required is motivation, determination, and the willpower to change. And actual support from those close to you.

You need motivation to get started, determination to stick it out on the tough days, and willpower not to succumb to old habits too often. But the single most important thing is a great support network.

No-one is going to succeed in a healthy eating/weightloss plan if they are eating properly prepared, nutritious food, and living with someone who routinely chomps into a pack of Tim Tams, biscuits, chips and fizzy in front of them. The cravings will drive them to take a running leap off the good health wagon.

This is the nature of unhealthy habits, they are insidious, and trigger monster cravings. I haven't eaten KFC in over 20 years, and yet the smell of it will sometimes see me craving food. Ditto HJ or McD's burgers, haven't ever been a fan, but if someone sits and eats one in front of me, all I want to do is eat. Not necessarily the bad stuff, but food, of any kind.

So, if one of your resolutions is going to be to shrink your girth, make sure everyone in your household is on board. They don't have to not eat crap, just not in front of you. If they plan a pizza night, warn you first. If they order on a whim, you are going to have to wear it (that's willpower).

A little bit of junk isn't going to hurt. Just watch your portions (of everything you eat), and the regularity of indulgence. And move!

I have been on a super-strict eating plan (I am meant to have no dairy, no alcohol, no sugar, no fatty/greasy foods, no salt and no caffeine, and as few processed foods as possible) for 18 months now, and while I no longer feel the overwhelming need to eat chocolate or salt and vinegar chips as often as I used to, there are still days where the cravings are so strong, they physically hurt. I allow myself a weekly indulgence - a skinny late, and a florentine (or a slice of savoury toast). And I cut back my portions that evening, and the following day. I have lost 18 kilos in 18 months, and have never felt better. My weightloss has been helped of late by the fact that my husband has also had to change his eating habits, so the cravings have become less - as I said, seeing someone eating Tim Tams, corn chips,savoury biscuits, and HJ's on a regular basis, while sitting next to you, does NOT make craving control any easier.

So there IS hope - you just have to be strict with yourself, and those around you. The best advice I can offer is remove 1 thing at a time - reduce, then quit. Don't go the whole hog all at once. Good luck!

Where has the Christmas Spirit gone?

2010-12-10T15:35:00.000+11:00

Is it hiding under it's bed, cowering in fear? Because I haven't seen it lately, and it's 2 weeks til Christmas.

Sure, I see sales screaming that this, that or the other would be perfect for so-and-so for Christmas, and tinsel and Christmas trees.

What I don't see, and am missing, is the human spirit of the season. I am not a fan of Christmas, haven't been since Dad passed 6 years ago, but I still like to think that the spirit we celebrated it in, is about.

Have we fallen so far?

Midlife crisis? Or have we just finally lost the plot?

2010-12-08T13:22:00.001+11:00

I am favouring the latter. It would seem that the loss of a neighbour, an all-around top bloke, has pushed us over the edge.

Allow me to explain. Last week, our neighbour Max died of a massive stroke at the age of 55. Ok one day, gone the next. Troy is 47, and is a ticking timebomb genetically. Best estimates give him 5 years tops.

So what do we do? We decide, in our infinite wisdom, that life is too short, and it's time we did something for us. End result, at some stage in the next 12 months we are buying a campervan and taking off around Australia. For at least 2 years. As you do.

It'll be tough, and there will be weeks when we hate it, and each other. My degree will take longer to complete, and we will be extremely isolated. But, in keeping with the philospohy of 'Regret what you did, not what you didn't' we are going for it.

I am excited and terrified, and have already started the 'crap reduction' scheme.

Congratulations to Ani and Roy

2010-12-04T11:11:00.000+11:00

on their wedding day. I hope today and every one after is filled with lots of joy, love and laughter.

A review of the year

2010-12-02T12:49:00.000+11:00

Well, this was meant to be the Year of Self, and to a degree (a very small one), it was. I went to Uni, passed all my units, cleared some of the emotional detritus (and stirred up more) and got my health back on track. I also cleaned out my wardrobe, thanks to a massive weight loss.

So, why not highly successful? Mainly because everyone else's crap kept popping up in my face (not their fault) and requiring attention, or time, or both. Which is a fact of life, as we all know, but this year highlighted how bad it has gotten around here.

So, the goal for 2011, besides getting The Mister's health back in line, and keeping mine there, is to clear the remaining crap out of our path (court January 12 for the dickhead who assualted, stalked and threatened us), get maintenance appointments set up and kept (BIG fail on that one), and get at least a vague idea of where the Hell to next.

Oh, and a holiday or 2 as well..............

Can we please lay off............

2010-12-01T10:37:00.000+11:00

............ the swearing? I do not need to hear 'f***' 3 times in every sentence you speak. And I certainly do not need to hear it from children under school age. Thank you.

And while we're at it, could we please ditch/rework the term 'yummy mummy'? I was a first time mum (with another 3 in my care, so 4 kids) when the term was first coined, and I can safely say, it didn't help with my post-natal self-esteem. I didn't have perfectly blowdried hair, or a wardrobe full of perfectly ironed pastel clothes, and I sure as Hell didn't have time to take my perfect hair, clothes and flawless makeup out to lunch with my fellow yummy mummies.

These days, I find it offensive. The media outlets flout the term with abandon, pointing to perfectly coiffed celebs as the ideal 'yummy mummy'. Never mind that many have enough money to keep most families for several years in comfortable style, and can therefore afford in-home help, and the best clothing and makeup money can buy. A celebrity mother who isn't perfectly polished, and looks like any average harried mother, is lambasted for letting herself go.

These 'mummy wars' are carried out in blogs, print media, and on TV. They have to stop. We are all of equal value as parents, regardless of whether we wear Kmart, County Road, or the Kaiser to do our grocery shopping. We all have different experiences of childbirth and child-raising. Sharing these experiences in an open, honest and above all, supportive way will surely help the next generation of mummies, yummy or not, to traverse the wilderness that is motherhood.

Back in Hell........

2010-11-30T17:18:00.000+11:00

..........after a glorious 3 days away. Granted, the weather wsn't fabulous, and our initial hotel sucked to the point where we walked into the room, and walked out again, but the freedom was fabulous!

We caught up with Mr21 and Miss19 - bought me a new digital camera, and The Mister a new 27" monitor. Visited Lush (oh man!) and Salamanca Market where we had possibly THE best lamb wrap in history. Sunday night on the way back we caught up with TM's mum and her husband for dinner.

We are now paying for 3 days away - Mouse was obviously let run while we were not here - he is impossible to deal with, getting into things he knows damn well are off limits, and which I know for sure he has been into in our absence.

Mr15 and my mother called in today - Mouse loves his uncle. Mum wants said uncle to attend school at the other end of the state next year - she has 2 hopes.

Cannot wait until I finish my degree (I passed my Semester 2 exams) and we can run away from this place.

What a weekend!

2010-11-21T23:48:00.000+11:00

Yesterday, Mouse and his dad returned from a couple nights away. But before that, we had a bee swarm (a huge one), and another stabbing at the house over the road. In the middle of the day, as you do. Yelling and screaming (continuing on from Friday night's session, cops and ambulances everywhere, and then bees. More yelling and screaming Saturday night. Helluva Saturday.

This morning, at 4.30, we had a drunk former resident show up on the doorstep. Murder was contemplated.

Due to a foul temper, I cleaned the kitchen, as I felt it was a good use of all that energy created by aggro. And then, to top it all, in 3 sessions, over the course of the day, The Mister and I walked a good 20km.

And now, I am going to bed.

Things I forgot to tell you........

2010-11-10T17:35:00.001+11:00

One month ago today, my mum went from Mrs S to Mrs B. The weather behaved, so did the family.

Mr15 moved out to mum's place about 6 weeks ago. There are a whole bunch of issues related to that which I will no doubt share at a later point in time.

Mr25 and Mouse moved home Father's Day night - at 11 pm. Via taxi. And have been here ever since. There are major issues with Mouse' mother - she is now banned from our home.

Mr21 and Miss19 have split. However, we are keeping her. This is written in stone.

I am not at all convinced I passed any of my exams this semester. Will see on the 26th.

Teenager and Husband update

2010-11-09T17:32:00.002+11:00

Husband first; not cancer. Heart is not good though. Genetic defect, and genetic cholesterol issues, which cannot be controlled with meds, and aren't changing no matter what diet/lifestyle changes we make. Prognosis if they don't is 2-5 years, then monster heart attack.

Teenager; now living with my mother. Had another fly off, and we did the crunch. Hopefully having that space will allow us to maintain a relationship, and him to grow and regain balance.

Eat Love Pray - the movie

2010-11-09T12:56:00.000+11:00

I saw this last night, and, as much as I expected not to be impressed, I was not expecting the reaction I had to it.

I have never read the book, and watched the movie because it was the only thing going at the time I could get out the door in peace.

What I expected was a bunch of self-indulgent, self-important twaddle, and that is exactly what I got. What I didn't expect was my reaction to the twaddle, which is this:

Mindless crap. A Shirley Valentine for the next generation - woman runs away from home to 'find herself' and in the process finds true love and happiness. She doesn't need a man to be happy and complete, oh hang on, yes she does.

This movie really does promote the importance of self above all else. Seriously. That is what it is about. Self, and how to get your own way, at all times, in all things, while claiming to be on a journey of self-discovery.

I would love to be able to drop everything and wander the world for 12 months, but I have responsibilities - to myself as well as others. To expect that popping off to an exotic location or 3 is going to help me 'find' myself is ridiculous - the me I would find there would never fit into the world in which I exist.

Maybe I am harsh, maybe I am just old school when it comes to things like this. I don't know. What I do know is that the balance we need to survive in the modern world is not something we will find in places where we don't exist, we need to find it within ourselves, in our own worlds. And that takes hard work, and time. Just like it did for previous generations. They did it, so can we.

Test

2010-10-05T19:09:00.002+11:00

Untitled by RosieDammit on Polyvore.com

Congrats to the gorgeous Mac and Mr Mac!

2010-10-03T19:36:00.002+11:00

Who were married in a tropical paradise last night!

Ahhh, Delbert..........

2010-10-01T14:36:00.001+10:00

An addict looking for a vice to happen with

2010-09-11T10:34:00.000+10:00

That would be me. I am not, and have never been, diagnosed as an addict. Not by a doctor. But, addicition runs in my family, in a big way. I cannot think of 1 of my mother's siblings who hasn't battled some form of addiction. And we won't look too closely at the extended family - might get scary.

But, I am still an addict. 1 of something is never enough. 1 beer? Hell no, drink til I pass out, even when the voice in my head is roaring that I need to stop. The compulsion to have 'just one more' is too strong. I have that one, and then another to keep it company.

10 minutes on a poker machine? No way. I'll be bored for the first 2-3 minutes, and then I'm down the rabbit hole. I don't even participate in footy tipping, or Melbourne Cup sweeps any more.

No matter what it is, I just cannot stop myself; eating, shopping, alsohol, cambling - once I get the taste, I am lost to the world. And that frightens me. So I just don't, even when the craving is nearly killing me. There are days where I cannot leave the house, because the urge is so strong to go play Keno, and I just cannot.

I have friends who are addicts. I have close family who are addicts. I can go with them while they drink/smoke/gamble, and be ok. For about 10 minutes, then I start to climb the walls. If they lose everything, the know not to complain to me, because I will not be sympathetic. You know you have a problem, you know the feeling when it starts to grab at you, and you know the consequences if you give in. So man up, and freaking well don't do it!!

Harsh? Yes. But that's how it is, out here in the real world..............

Forgot....

2010-08-11T00:08:00.000+10:00

.... in my maudlin mood, to say there has been a breakthrough with Mr15.

Appointment 1 with the psychologist did not go well. We had a conversation about this, and agreed that if he moved home, he had to not only go see the doc, but be totally honest. Take whatever meds were prescribed, cut out the violence, clean his room, be civilised etc.

Appointment 2 went much better. He was brutally honest - his dad and I waited outside, until we were invited in. The only thing he didn't mention was headaches, he said he hadn't had an increase in them, whe he had - but that wasn't a lie, just something he hadn't considered.

Diagnosis; some form of epilepsy affecting the frontal lobe - causing petit mal seizures. These seizures come in the form of violent outbursts - accompanied by absences. So when he says 'No, that didn't happen, I don't remember.' he isn't lying, he genuinely doesn't remember, or only partially remembers - he isn't being a shit, he has no memory. In other words, when he flies off the handle, and becomes violent, he isn't aware of what he is doing.

Risky behaviour, inability to concentrate, seeming to daydream a lot - all symptoms that we missed, or thought were something else. For that matter, so did the doctors.

He is on epilepsy medication, and so far, it seems to be working. He still has days where he is in a mood - but he is a teenager. Today he was shitty with me, I woke him up to go to the doctor. A few hours later, he apologised. He and his dad are getting along much better, there is a lot less tension in the house, and the other day, while grocery shopping, he gave me a dozen different breeds of cheek. As exhausting as that was, it was also a great feeling. I missed my boy.

Tomorrow.............

2010-08-10T23:19:00.000+10:00

....... never comes, or so the song goes.

There are days when I wish that were true - and then there are days where it can't get here fast enough.

Today, I want it to hurry up, or not. I'm not sure. I am torn, do I want to know, or don't I?

I am facing the fact that, no matter how much I want it, no matter how hard I work or plan for it, the future I dream of may yet be denied me. And that is NOT FAIR dammit!! We have worked too darn hard to get to the point where we can see a future, to have it taken now.

Of course, that may not happen. However, the odds are against us. I guess they always were, we have been through more crap in our 23.5 years together than most couples cop in twice that long. But until now, we have been able to ignore that. Now, regardless of what happens in the next 7 days, we have to face the fact that it may not happen for us.

To get to the point of this ramble - my husband was diagnosed and hospitalised for 24 hours last week with penumonia - he was sent home, told to see the GP, who gave him antibiotics, and instructions that if he was no better at the end of the first prescription, to get his butt back. Today, he was given new antibiotics, instructions to return a phlegm sample (ick!) and an xray appointment. His right lung is crackling. And we are both scared.

Crackling could be pneumonia, or it could be the return of the cancer. We are both leaning to thinking it is the cancer, for various reasons. He has had a persistent cough, and has been rundown for quite some time - the rundown-ness I blamed on stress, so did he. The cough, on heavy smoking. Now, we are both wondering if maybe it is back, and what that means if it is. I can't articulate why I think it may be, it's not something I can describe. He has the same symptoms, and feelings as last time, physically, but is hoping it is just because he is so run-down. But he is afraid it is cancer. I think he has been worried for a while......

If it is, I have no idea how we will cope - he can't have radiotherapy again - he had that last time. Yes, my smoker husband has had lung cancer before. And continues to smoke.

We must both have been truly evil in past lives, I swear. Just a couple of weeks ago, we were talking about my Uni, and whether I should stick with BRRM, do Honours and get some posh sounding qualification (still 2 years to go to finish the degree, but planning ahead never hurts, or so I tell myself), or finish BRRM, and do the additional 2 years to get BNEWS - a less posh qualification, but it surely sounds like a lot more fun, and the same amount of time. We were discussing how much of an impact on our future plans an extra 2 years in this sinkhole would have - could we do it? Was it worth it? Would that give Mr15 more time to sort himself out?

Now, that is all gone. We have to wait and see if we have that much time together. Of course, there are no guarantees, but the chances are reduced, if that insidious disease is back.

I cannot imagine a future without T, it's just not feasible. For 23.5 years, we have dreamed together, of one day going off, living our own lives, the way we want to, having set our children on the paths they will follow for the rest of their lives. It damn well better not be denied us. We deserve to follow our dreams together.

I hope with all my heart that we get the all clear. In the mean time, I need to work on being strong. For him and the kids. And especially for me.

Freezing My Bum Off............

2010-07-24T18:16:00.000+10:00

...... here in the 'port. I have never felt the cold like this. The few mornings we have had frosts (including the day we got black ice), I have been a happy icicle - that sort of cold I am used to. This bone-seeping, core-temperature lowering cold, not so much.

Been a few things happen in my world of late;

Mr15 has been diagnosed, and is taking medication, which so far seems to be helping the violent outbursts.

Grumpy is not going to have surgery in the near future - he will need it one day, but if he has it now, it could make the problem worse.

I have become a member of the Dirty Thirty, and I love it!!

I got through Round 1 of Uni - I got a pass, a credit and a distinction.

I am thinking I am crazy for not stopping there - I proved I can do it, why did I decide to keep going?!

Mr25 and Miss24 got engaged - stoked beyond belief.

Had my first ever visit to Lush - with Miss19 - we both fell in love!

We all turned up for court, only to be told to come back again another time. There was a 'miscommunication'.

I did my tax. Am now impatiently waiting to hear from the ATO.

I have laybyed myself a gorgeous watch, and a cool digital camera. Gifts from me, to me.

I have been assessing how to go about knocking over as much as possible of my planned 2nd degree, with units that fit into my majors in my 1st.

And, I have decided I really, really need to get into the Cupboard of Doom, where everything that didn't have a place got stashed when we had a houseful. Maybe this week.........

Truth in Lyrics

2010-07-15T21:08:00.003+10:00

First they put away the dealers, keep our kids safe and off the street. Then they put away the prostitutes, keep married men cloistered at home. Then they shooed away the bums, then they beat and bashed the queers, turned away asylum-seekers, fed us suspicions and fears. We didn't raise our voice, we didn't make a fuss. It's funny there was no one left to notice when they came for us.

NoFX

The Many Shades of Green

2010-06-23T11:18:00.000+10:00

In these days of global warming, ozone holes (yes, it's still there) and carbon footprints, there are myriad shades of green.

We have the Weld Angel, those who chain themselves to bulldozers, and set up road blocks. The Wilderness Society. Tree farmers, and forestry concerns. National Parks, and those who care for them. The everyday Joe or Jane, who hears all the fear-mongering, and wonders what they can do, and will it even work.

Probably my least favourite shade of green though, is the one that I see more and more of every day. The Hypocritically Green.

They sprout on about buying Green Miles, or Green Power, or how they have installed a rainwater tank, while driving a monstrous guzzling off-road vehicle that will never see anything even remotely like rough terrain, unless they hit a major patch of roadworks. If you dare to leave a light on when you walk out of the room, they lecture you endlessly for not being green-councious, and then drive their Monster 5 minutes up the road, to buy the bread and milk.

Big industry and government are just as bad, if not worse. Big Company puts in place a 'green' methodology, to reduce their impact by, oh say 2% over 20 years, and gets kudos from the government of the day for their 'green-ness'. Never mind that they have been killing the planet for 50 years, and that 2% reductin isn't due to start for another 10. And we are expected to applaud their environmentally friendly ways, and follow suit.

I am 'green' in some ways. I recycle, have for years. We have planted trees in our garden, mainly natives. We water irregulary, and only the new plants. Our household has been using energy-saving lightbulbs for years. Same with rechargeable batteries for remotes. I wash only in cold water, and do dishes by hand. We have 1 car, a 4 cylinder job. I walk most places, or take public transport. Rather than running heaters, we wrap up warm, and in the summer, run a normal fan. We do not have central heating/air. I use bio-friendly cleaning products, homemade where I can.

Yes, every 2 years or so we take a long trip, on a big plane. Not very eco-friendly. But really, are we doing any more harm to the globe than the big companies who dump toxins in the rivers, and atmosphere? There is a former industrial site I go past on my way to Uni, used to be a paint plant. It is 20 years since it closed down, and there are still another 5 years before it can be considered 'safe' for use. How many toxins are lying on that site? How many more are there lurking in other industrial areas?

Let's stop jumping all over the little people, who are doing all they can on a daily basis. Let's stop abusing the men and women who are simply trying to feed their families. Instead, let us all focus on big industry, and complacent government, who are blithely destroying our planet, while lecturing us on how to be green.

New World Order

2010-06-17T18:40:00.000+10:00

So, in light of all that has happened, and the fact that this IS the Year of Self, I am taking steps to get me back. Or rather, to work out who I am these days.

Once I get exams out of the way, I am going to;

* start walking every day before breakfast

* go to bed earlier, and getting up earlier

* treat myself to lunch at least once a month

* work harder at remembering maintenance appointments

I have done all I can to help my son, I will continue to love him, and will always be here should he need me. However, I cannot remain standing still. I have fought too hard, for too long, to simply stop now.

Government Health and Welfare Departments

2010-06-15T12:04:00.000+10:00

I find myself in a situation on which everyone in the above area(s) has an opinion - after the fact - as to what action I should have taken. And it pisses me off no end. When I was scrambling around, crying out for help, did any one of you put your hand up and offer to assist? No.

What makes this particularly irritating is that I am not referring to individuals here - far from it. Individuals offered what support and help they could, and for that I thank them.

The situation I am referring to has been ongoing for some time, I have sought help from every possible place I could, and every time it was 'Sorry, but no.' Now, after things got to the point where I could take no more, and I took action, they are full of advice.

I tried everything, and everyone - even those who, as I tried, I knew had no place in the battle. Interestingly, those were the places I got the most help - they could do nothing for me, under their job description, but they tried, Lord knows, they tried.

And now, after I reached the end of my tolerance, and I took decisive action, they are all over me, about why I did this, or why I didn't do that. Because I couldn't!! I tried everything I could, I rang everyone I could, I talked to people until they were sick of hearing from me, and I got nowhere.

The only thing I didn't do, was the thing that would have gotten me to this point a lot faster. Had I done that, help would have been faster in coming, but I would have been devastated by the action. We suffered for longer because of my failure to take that step, but I stand by my decision to keep fighting. I tried, until there was no other option, and even then, the steps I took were taken with a heavy heart, and only as a last resort, when my destruction was imminent.

So, to those who were hurt by my failure to act, I apologise. I did what I did because I saw no choice that I could live with. I hope one day you understand that.

Further to that rant..............

2010-06-01T21:15:00.000+10:00

I am utterly disgusted with the AFL, and the way it chooses to treat different levels of behavior of it's players.

I've had my say about Jason Akermanis elsewhere. I don't agree with the way he said what he did, or the forum he used. But it is 1 man's opinion, and he is entitled to it. He broke no moral laws, although he did break a club-ordered media ban. That is for him, and the Bulldogs, to sort out.

And then we have the young Saints, who met a 16 year old at a coaching clinic at her school, met her again after a match in Sydney, had sex with her, and now she is pregnant, possibly to one of them. And what does the AFL do? Look closely at the case, say 'There's no crime here. Move on, nothing to see.'

Apparently, the girl told the players she was 18, and attached to the AIS in Canberra. Somehow, in the eyes of the AFL, this makes the players' conduct acceptable, because nothing happened at the clinic. The girl is not entirely without blame, and by all accounts, the sex was consensual.

BUT, we have a pregnant 16 year old, who participated in group sex with 2 AFL footballers. The girl will give birth when she is 17, and will, for the next 18 years at least, be forced to face the stupidity of her actions. No doubt, she will have moments of great joy, children bring that, but she is a child herself. And the men (allegedly) responsible for her situation, are being told 'Never mind, just be more careful next time.' Am I the only one who thinks there is something very wrong here?

It would appear that the the AFL are fans of the 1 Rule for You, Another for You, and Yet Another for You. Ben Cousins was given the boot for bringing the game into disrepute over his drug habit, and hung out to dry. There are players on the current playing lists, who have returned several positive drug tests, and are protected by the Code of Silence. Their names are not released, they are not sent to rehab, they are simply warned, and sent on their way.

I love Aussie Rules, I truly do, I think it's the game of champions, but I also think that at some point, the whole damn house of cards is going to come crashing down, and destroy the game, because a few fat cats are too damn scared for their designer suits, and fancy offices, to take a stand and say "Behave."

A Study Break Rant...............

2010-05-29T21:31:00.000+10:00

.... about things that have ticked me off today.

To Apple; I realise that you are the makers of all things cool. You are the pinnacle of cool geekdom. More power to you. BUT - if I get just one more call from an otherwise intelligent person asking me to help them get music onto their iPod, I am going to smash every Apple appliance I see, and send you the bill for my bail, and legal costs. I have better things to do than do battle with your user-unfriendly software. Especially since I don't own anything you have made. I have my reasons.

To local businesses; 12.10 is NOT 12.30. I am aware that it is cold, wet and yucky, and that you would rather be home in front of the fire - or anywhere but work. Trust me, I understand. But I also understand that if your sign says you will close at 12.30, and I rock up at 12.10, to find the doors locked and the lights off, I am not going to be impressed. If you want customers, you need to provide service. By all means, leave at noon on Saturday, but let us know, before we arrive to find you closed, and your Hours of Business sign saying 12.30 is closing time.

To Channel 10; for the love of footy, send that female commentator for speech lessons!! I am all for female commentators (why did Kristy Malthouse have to get a life, she was fabulous!), but I want them to speak correctly. I want all commentators to speak correctly. I am all for them getting excited, and mising metaphors, that's half the fun. But I do not want them sounding like the feral bogan across the street. I know this is harsh, especially coming from me, a Master Mangler of the English language. I am not on TV. I am not causing people to turn off, or write letters to the newspaper complaining.

And finally, to Collingwood Football Club - WAKE UP!!! You are currently 2 points down against the Brisbane Lions, and I do NOT want to spend this week hearing the lament. 1 week was enough. Now get on with it!!! You have 7.5 minutes.

That is all.

As you travel though life, remember..............

2010-05-24T21:30:00.001+10:00

Not achieving what you set out to do is not failure. Look at what you have learnt on the road you travelled to get this far.

The road is not always going to be straight. It will fork, twist and turn back on itself. There will be detours along side roads that seem to go nowhere. You will eventually find your way back to the highway.

Drinking and driving is stupid. Don't do it.

The going will not always be smooth. Nor will it always be in brilliant sunlight. There will be bad times, and long nights. You will survive them.

Your goal may not be what you initially thought it was. That is ok, time and distance distort things.

The quickest path is not always the best.

A kind word, or a smile, may be the greatest gift you can give someone.

Be good to everyone, even those who speak or act harshly towards you.

The long, straight cruisy stretches are more likely to bring you to grief than the mountains.

There is good, and there is evil out there. You will encounter both. Acknowledge the one, rejoice in the other, and be wary which you choose.

Crashes are a fact of life. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and get on with it. If your vehicle of choice is a write off, walk until you get another.

The hard yards are the most rewarding in the end.

Rash actions are not always wrong actions. The immediate results may not be the best, but you did it for a reason. These are the things that teach us who we really are.

If you don't like what you learn about yourself, change it. You can, you know.

Take the time to look around you. You are not always going to be young, and the things you disdain now, may be the things that sustain you in old age.

Beauty can hide danger. Ugliness can hide great beauty. Treat everyone and everything on their merits, rather than their appearance.

You can't control everything. Don't waste your energy trying. Save it for the good stuff.

Sometimes, you will feel the need to rest. Do so, you have a long way to go. But don't stop so long that you forget where you were going.

If someone wants to keep you company on your travels, take them up on their offer. They may cause you joy, they may bring you tears. Probably both. Enjoy the times they are with you, because once they go, you will find that it's awfully lonely out there ..................

The Parent in My Head

2010-05-24T21:16:00.000+10:00

Before you go calling the men in white coats on me - well actually, hang on, I'll find the number for you..........

But seriously, I haven't lost the plot totally. I just have what I refer to as The Parent in My Head. Because, well, she is always there, and also because today is Monday, her favourite day tojump all over my self esteem with her hobnail boots.

You will note I say 'she'. That is because TPIMH is a cruel, crude caricature of my mother, and her mother with a goodly dose of Nanna thrown in. She is a mean, evil, controlling bitch, who wants me to know how badly I have failed, and will continue to fail, at everything.

I love my mother. She had a tough time growing up, and as a wife and mother. Her own mother was super-critical (I loved my Nan, but as an adult I can see her flaws), and Nanna was not a fan. The fact that my mother breathed the same air as everyone else was an abomination to Nanna, and it was Mum's fault; she should have had her own air, rather than steal everyone else's. Rather like she stole Nanna's baby boy. But that's a story for another day.

So yes, TPIMH is a twisted, sadistic, rather pathetic version of my mum. She knows where and when to strike, and she's good at it. Dad doesn't really feature in TPIMH, because he was always rather distant, in terms of disapproving. He applied the theory that we would get wherever we were going, eventually.

There is an adage that goes to the effect that we are destined to repeat the mistakes of our parents. I have tried so very hard not to do that - my kids' best has always been good enough, even if I think they didn't give it all, I praise them anyway. I encourage them to dream, and to aim for the stars. Someone puts them down, I build them back up. I am not afraid to tell them if their behaviour lets me down, if they try their best, that is enough. And if they say "I should have done A, but did B, and A was the right answer." I usually tell them they are a goose, suggest they go the other way next time and remind them that our failures teach us as much, if not more, than our successes.

Utterly Disgusted

2010-05-23T13:23:00.000+10:00

It seems this week was the week when homosexuality once again made headlines in all the wrong ways, for all the wrong reasons.

Now, I could care less if someone is gay. I don't care, it's their life, and if they engage in sexual acts with consenting adults, that's their business.

First off, we had Jason Akermanis warning gay Aussie Rules players to stay in the closet, as AFL isn't ready for openly gay players. He has been painted as a homophobe for his remarks. I found them off-colour, and not quite appropriate, but also, quite true to the culture of AFL. Rugby has accepted openly gay players, and in that way, it more evolved than AFL. The AFL is still not there. I am not referring to individual clubs, or players, but the culture of the game. I also wonder, if someone other than Aker had said it, would it stink quite so badly?

And then we have David Campbell, NSW frontbencher, who quit after being seen by a media snoop leaving a gay club. Mr Campbell is married, and his wife is either fighting off or recovering from cancer. This was enough for one journalist to tell us that while Australians are not overly fussed about our pollies sexual orientation, we do not trust our politicians when they cheat on their spouses, as it makes us wonder about their intent to keep the promises they make to those who elect them. Excuse me?!

I would like to believe we are that enlightened, but we, or at least some of us - aren't, especially if you are a serving member of a certain political party. It's ok to go to these places, but you must not know what it is when you walk in the door, and once inside, you must keep your eyes either closed, or focussed on the carpet, so as not to offend your delicate sensibilities. Follow the leader's example, and remember it's "Do as I say I do, not as others tell you I did."

Defending Barry Hall

2010-05-22T18:23:00.000+10:00

If you are even a sometime follower of Aussie Rules, you will know of Big Bad Barry. If not, well, you are missing out. Aussie Rules, well, rules!

For those of you not in the know, Barry was formerly a member of the Sydney Swans, he had a reputation for having a short fuse, and hard fists. After 1 suspension too many for violence, he left the Swans, and shifted to Melbourne, and the Doggies.

Today, I was watching the North Melbourne/Western Bulldogs game, and Barry was copping it sweet. And he kept his temper.

Now, I am in no way a fan of the sort of violence that Hall showed himself to be capable of. I have seen it all too often in my working life - that sudden explosion of rage, a punch landed, bruises and broken bones, followed by sincere, and ultimately meaningless, remorse.

To be fair to Barry, I think he was genuine in his remorse, he simply hadn't matured enough to learn to control his temper - it happens, people mature at different rates. By no means a stupid man, and by all accounts, a lovely bloke, he just had to learn to count to 50 before making a fist. And 100 before throwing it.

Today, he showed that he had learnt, maybe not enough to avoid a report, but enough to not start throwing at the first sign of annoyance. To be totally fair to him, he took a lot more than many people would. And when he did respond, it wasn't with fists, he did as much as was needed to get himself safe.

His opposing player spent - I have no idea how long all up - but in 30 seconds, I saw more than a dozen slams of an elbow, shoves, and shoulder slams to the back. Barry took the lot, shoving away a hand, moving off, not even looking at the guy. I was thinking that this fool needed to meet Big Bad Barry, he was being a total twat, and then it happened. Barry did the nana, and applied a solid headlock.

End result, 6 reports from the altercation, which in the end, involved other players. I will be seriously disappointed if Barry Hall gets rubbed out for his part in this. Yes, he did step outside the rules, but he has the right to feel safe. He was tying his shoelace, out of range of play, and copped a knee to the ribs from his opposing player. His focus was on tying his shoe for crying out loud!! He didn't see the guy coming, he was attacked off the ball, responded, and is reported. WTF?!

As he said after the game, being niggled is part of the game, particularly with his reputation, but there is only so much bullshit that anyone should be expected to take. This was above and beyond. I for one, think that he did nothing more than anyone else would, or should. In fact, he did less than I would have.

I am particularly disgusted with the North coach, who said that the player did nothing wrong, his job was to upset the forward and he did that. TOOL!!!

To Clarify..............

2010-05-17T15:54:00.000+10:00

I was NOT referring to ............... well, you know who you are, in my last post. I actually hope to come back soon. I miss you.

I probably should have been clearer, but I was so gobsmacked and p'd off by the behaviour of certain people elsewhere (IRL and on the WWW), that I let fly, without thought.

My reasons for taking a break from you were what I said then, and what I outlined in my email today. There's a whole heap more detail if you want it, but I don't think you do, I know I don't. It hurts too much.

Those others are well - other - and will not be named, any more than you will, or my other faithful friend. To name something is to label it, and I don't like labels.

I love you, and I miss you, and I hope you will forgive my lack of thought in posting my rant.

What is Happening to the Web?

2010-05-15T21:10:00.000+10:00

When did it get so nasty?

I know that being anonymous allows people to pretend to be someone they are not, or to show their true colours without fear of presonal reprisal, but seriously! This week saw a major shitstorm on one blog I used to read and comment on regularly - I missed it, saw the aftermath, and really, I don't quite know what to say. Aside from WTF?!

I have been a member of several online communities down the years - one I have been a member of for more than 10 years, but in the past 18 months, I have left 2 communities, partly due to my own personal issues needing my focus, and partly due to the fact that the levels of nastiness and crap got to the point where it was just not worth the effort to wade through it to get to the good stuff. Actually, mainly due to that.

Once, I went to these places for a break, to escape my day-to-day existence, and get away from the bullshit that was bringing me down. And then, the bullshit mutated and invaded my havens. I actually started to feel worse after a visit. Eventually, I pulled the plug.

I miss some of the people I met there, but over all, I feel good about my decision. Looking back, I realise that a lot of the problem, for me anyway, was that it was becoming like high school - the cool kids targetting the uncool kids, teachers (admins) turning a blind eye to the bullying because they want the kids to think they are cool, and the rest of the school wandering around aimlessly, trying to avoid becoming targets of the 'in' crowd. I left high school a long time ago, I don't miss it, and I sure as Hell do not want to go back.

Maybe that is what is wrong with not just the Web, but the world - we are devolving back to high school.

Mother's Day

2010-05-08T10:24:00.000+10:00

The day when we 'celebrate' mums, is this Sunday. And boy is it big this year. Not only do we have the usual plethora of big name national sellers telling us what mum would really want, and she could win a holiday to boot, but to save her (and us) the hassle of cooking, we can also buy a box of grease! From the fast food giant of our choice - burgers or chicken!

WTF?! Now, I know that Mother's Day is, rather like Father's Day and Valentine's Day, a massive commercial event. I'm not THAT stupid. What amazes me is how far in that direction we have gone.

I remember when my kids were little, the joy they took in telling me that they were making me something at school for Mother's Day - and the delight I felt on recieving it. I got burnt toast in bed, and it was ambrosia.

Now, there is pressure on even the little people to get mum the 'perfect' gift. For myself, the most perfect gift is one that comes from the heart - even if it's just 'Love you mum'. I still have the macaroni necklaces, cardboard photo frames, hand painted cushion, painted ceramic plowerpots, and toilet paper insert kaliedoscope from years past, and they still make me smile.

I admit, I buy into it a little, I send my mum and my mother-in-law flowers. I send mum Singapore orchids, and my MIL roses. My mum loves Singapore orchids, and my MIL has a special affinity with roses. But I have been doing this for more than 20 years, and I do other things throughout the year - weed my MIL's garden, took them both to lunch, made Mum a collage of photos of her parents, pruned my MIL's roses, picked the raspberries for a season for Mum. And I tell them I love them every time I speak to them. And I tell my mum that I see now why things were the way they were, and that I admire her for sticking it out, on a regular basis.

The gifts that mean the most are the ones that come from the heart; burnt toast in bed made by little hands, a macaroni necklace, a meal cooked at the end of a long arduous day at work - these are the things that show a mother she is loved. And saying, just once in a while "I love you mum". Those are the things that make mums feel like they matter.

Lest We Forget

2010-04-25T18:06:00.001+10:00

Today marks the 95th anniversary of the Gallipoli Landing. Not the finest hour of British Military Command. The first march was held in London in 1916, by Australian and New Zealand military personnel to honour those who lost their lives that Godforsaken beach. Today, we honour all who died, or lost someone in war.

I have seen a lot of comments and articles of late, 'reminding' us that the day is not so much about remembering the fallen at Gallipoli, that it was started as a way to keep the workers down, and continues as a part of the political propaganda machine.

Now, I am pretty open-minded, I can see most points of view. This one, however, I cannot. I would say to those who refute ANZAC Day as a day to mourn and honour those lost in war, sit down with a Digger, hear their story, and then tell me what today is about.

Actually, don't. Show some respect for those who lost their lives, or a loved one, and keep your thoughts to yourself.

Why I am at Uni............

2010-04-21T19:57:00.000+10:00

Yesterday, in one of our breaks, we were all discussing the classes we were taking. Along with another woman, I announced my distaste for maps, and my dread of the compulsory Geography component of BRRM. History, now there is something I would enjoy getting my teeth into. Any region, any era, I don't care, I love history.

The discussion continued for a bit, and then another class member asked me what my 'burning passion' was, in regards to why I chose this degree. Most of the others have a clear idea of where they want to end up professionally and personally, and see this degree as a means to that end.

I chose this degree because it sounded interesting, like I would be able to stretch my brain, and not be compartmentalised. Beyond that - I actually don't have a clue. I have no grand plans to change the world. I'm doing it for fun. If I can change things for the better when I am done, well and good. If not, I'll settle for having a blast.

Oh Help! Eeeeeee..................

2010-04-19T15:58:00.000+10:00

I just got off the phone with my mother - I am in charge of wedding invitation design. Which is kinda cool, and utterly terrifying..............

Mum and P will be easily pleased, nothing too fancy. Something that says what needs to be said, looks good, and isn't too - frothy.

Everyone else though, well, not so much. And the worst will be yours truly.

Mind Your Manners.........

2010-04-15T20:24:00.000+10:00

This has been irking me for a while - I had a wee bit on, and never got around to posting about it.

So, The Mister and I were in Melbourne for the day - doctor stuff. His, not mine. We got to Melbourne incredibly early, as we had NFI where we were going. We left incredibly late, because, well, with doctors, you never know. I was so buggered, I wasn't even worried about flying - and THAT is a huge deal, especially when you think what I was flying in (REx prop plane).

Anyhoodle, we were on a - tram - I think. Has to have been, I was a mess. I hate trams, and being in a crowded one is not good anytime, let alone at present. I'm rambling......

So, we were on this crowded tram. A well-dressed young professional woman came aboard. A (well dressed, clean cut) young man stood and offered her his seat. She looked down her nose at him, (no mean feat, she was shorter than he by a good 4 inches), and then pointedly turned her back.

The man in question was completely unfazed. I was horrified. And I think it showed, because, as the man resumed his seat, he looked at me, gave me a half smile, and shrugged. He offered his seat to another lady at the next stop, she accepted graciously. Miss Rude then tried to make herself physically smaller, to get away from The Well-Mannered Young Man. By now, I was beyond horrified, and starting to get mad.

We arrived at our stop, The Mister and I, and bundled out of that god-damned rattling deathtrap, along with Miss Rude, and The Well-Mannered Young Man. Miss Rude instantly got on the (hands-free) phone, and proceeded to loudly abuse The Well-Mannered Young Man to whoever was on the other end (we all got stuck with her at traffic lights - the joy). His crime? His appearance. Or more accurately, his (possible) racial background.

I kid you not. She called this guy names that I haven't heard in a long, long time, and certainly never in the light of day, because he offered her his seat. How dare he?! Why would the filthy so-and-so think she would want to sit on a seat that a such-and-such had just sat on? Colour me shocked.

I apologised to The Well-Mannered Young Man, because I was so embarrassed by Miss Rude's behaviour (The Mister didn't speak, he had steam coming out of his ears). The WMYM thanked me, and said that he is used to it, it happens all the time. I didn't know where to look, or what to say...................... I still don't.

Thanks Everyone!

2010-04-15T19:52:00.000+10:00

Yoursupport got me through an incredibly tough couple of days.

I am feeling better. Not great, but at least I am not losing 2 days when I go to the supermarket. Well, I didn't this week anyway - I even managed a haircut and an eyebrow wax. With Mr14 along to hold my hand (he is still being a terrible challenge and stressor, but that's a whole other story).

Uni is kicking my butt - seeing as I 'lost' 5 weeks of info out of my noggin, but I passed the 2 assignments I did while I was losing my mind, and I have an appointment next week to do some catch-up work. I have 1 assignment due next week (thought it was next month!), another at the end of the month, and a HUGE one in 3 weeks time - which I am not doing well with.............

Next week could be tough, Mouse turns 1, I have that bluddy assignment to get finished, and my first baby turns 21 - I can't believe that he is going to be legal the world over in 7 days!!

On the Road Back....

2010-04-07T19:39:00.000+10:00

So, today I had a meltdown. In public. In the post office.

I had a panic attack. To the point where I couldn't move away from the counter - no matter how badly I wanted to get out of there - and trust me, I wanted out bad. I was sweating like a loon (it was running in rivers down my face), my heart was racing, and I could feel the panic racing around my system, and I couldn't freaking move!!

Fortunately for me, the guy who had been serving me has known me for years, so when I said "Call my husband." he simply picked up my mobile, got the number out, and rang The Mister, who talked me down, and got me out of there.

I went to the doctor immediately. I got in right away. I have been informed that I have an anxiety disorder, and panic attacks - ya think?!

I am on a low dose anti-depressant, to help ease the anxiety, and something-or-other to help me sleep (what is sleep?). I go back tomorrow afternoon to get a referral to a psychologist, which will take about 8 weeks to get moving.

I feel a bit better - like I am moving forward. I actually was feeling really good today, until the freeze-up. It was raining when I woke, and my first thought was "It's raining, I don't have to go into town if it's raining." But I did, I got up and went. BIG deal.

Hopefully, things will improve. If I can get the anxiety under control, maybe I will be able to study properly, and even go grocery shopping without writing off 2 whole days due to being sick and jittery.

WTF?! Did I miss something?

2010-04-06T12:11:00.000+10:00

Unless you have been living in a cave for the past few months, you will have heard about Apple's new iPad - apparently a cross between an iPhone and a laptop. And not exactly cheap at USD$545.

So why, can someone PLEASE tell me - do we have this? What was the thinking (was there thinking) behind this?

He says that he did it because he wanted to be the first to do it. And? What exactly does that prove? Apart from that you are a moron, with more money than sense? I hope his parents took away his - well, everything, for a very long time.

But somehow I doubt it.

Hmmmmmmmm..................

2010-03-31T21:17:00.000+11:00

So, I've been thinking. Never a good thing. Me and thinking is NEVER a good combination.

What got me started was the Body Image post at The Real Sydney. I got to thinking about all the things that affect women's body image. Yes, as Fender pointed out, men suffer from body image issues too, but because I am a woman, I'm going to talk about female body image.

There are those who believe that mothers are responsible for their daughters' body image. In some cases, like the woman who brought her 8-year-old into a beauty salon (I was present) to have her mono-brow waxed because 'It's unattractive, it ruins her looks', they are responsible to a large degree. Mums who have botox, or boob jobs? More power to them. If it makes you feel better, why not?

But for now, let's leave Mum alone, and look at the other members of the family. Let's start with Dad.

My sister and I both have good body image. We both have things we'd like to change, and there are days where nothing looks right. But, overall, we are ok with out bodies. A lot of this can be traced back to Dad. The man adored my mother. He thought she was the most beautiful thing ever. While he may at times questioned her judgement (always discreetly), he never, ever commented negatively on her body, nor did he ever look at another woman. These things I know, partly from observation, and partly from Mum.

When I was growing up, some of my friend's dads DID look at other women - one in particular was really bad. This man had a beautiful wife, the woman was (and still is) physically stunning, and yet, every woman who walked past, he had to look at. Not glance, I mean LOOK at. Just about drooling look. Both his daughters have body image issues - one is a size 6, and considers herself ugly and fat. Dad's influence? Maybe. Actually, probably. Fathers play a HUGE part in a girl's view of herself, and a lot of this comes from how they see their mothers being treated.

Grandparents and aunts are bad. They don't *usually* mean to be - but they are. I have spent my entire life from the age of 5, hearing how gorgeous my sister is. She is. Physically stunning. Didn't do a lot for my self-esteem. These days, I am not fussed - I developed a personality to make up for my average looks. I am what I am, and she is what she is.

Family friends and neighbours also play a part - hearing someone raving on and on about how stunning so-and-so is, can dent anyone's self-image.

The media - is tricky. I think the media cops a lot more flak than they really should. Photoshopping people into unrealistic shapes is not good, but at the same time, is it ALL their fault? No. Before Photoshop hit the scene, people were having body image issues. Hell, they were having them before photography was invented.

Big sisters/cousins. These are the people we look up to and compare ourselves to. I remember my cousin K, when I was in about Grade 5, lamenting that she was fat. I thought she was beautiful. Fat to my 11-year-old self was the woman we knew who took 10 minutes each way to get into or out of her car, because she kept jamming up against the steering wheel, not my pretty, funny cousin.

Our friends can be our worst enemies in this - if a pang of jealousy strikes right at the second you are contemplating your appearance, and your friend says "That makes you look fat.", you are gone. It's not necessarily that she wants to stomp you into the ground, but women are designed to compete against each other for men. It's survival of the hottest, and the species must go on.

Now, for the record, I do NOT judge people on their size. The woman who caught on the steering wheel was a novelty to me as a child, but even as I was enthralled, I was saddened. I don't see size when I look at someone - unless we include height. But that's different.

So, in conclusion, I think it is time for us to own our body image issues. Outside factors certainly affect the way we view ourselves, which is fine. But they should NOT rule us.

If you are unhappy with your appearance, ask yourself why? Not in terms of "Why don't I like my nose? Because it's huge!", but rather in terms of, "Why don't I like my nose? How does it affect my life?" If the answer is that it affects your self-confidence, you have a couple of choices; surgery, or get-the f***-over-it-and-make-the-most-of-what-you-do-like. Life is too short to waste precious time letting something like a big hooter, saggy tits or crooked teeth rule what you do. Seek counselling if needs be.

But get out there and live. Join me in being amazed/amused when a guy hits on you (as time has passed, I have started to move more to amused). Believe compliments when you recieve them, use them to lift you up. Ignore the negative remarks, they are a waste of time.

And to end, do you know what the best compliment I ever recieved was? It was late last year, we were watching the cricket at work (slow day) and I commented on something - a passage of play or an umpiring decision - and one of the guys turned to me and said, in a tone of utmost admiration "Why didn't I know you 20 years ago?!" I floated for days on that. I still feel good when I think about it - it even beats "beautiful woman, with the most amazing smile." It was and is the yardstick all compliments are measured by

Early Easter

2010-03-27T11:51:00.000+11:00

I feel it's time for something a bit lighter than the rest of this week's fare, so here 'tis.

Yesterday , we celebrated Easter. And it was good.

The Little Family came over. Miss5 is going camping with her paternal grandparents for 2 weeks starting tomorrow, so we wouldn't have gotten to see her at Easter. The Young Couple aren't likely to make it back, due to financial constraints.

So, TLF, The Mister, Mr14 and I all had Easter yesterday. We gave the little kids their presents, and I actually cooked a proper meal. I even made sure I had enough to take the elderly lady across the road a plate.

Kids got:

Melamine cup for winter milo
Balloons
Her: Lipgloss watch
Him: Truck
Party hats
Stickers by the dozen
Bubble wands
Curly Wurly
Chomp

Mouse: a ball

Mr14: snack foods and the like - shapes, choclate etc.

Miss and I took the kids to the park, while the boys did boy stuff (aka computer stuff). I ran, I slid down firemen's poles, I swung, I pushed others on swings, I slippery-slid. And then we went down onto the beach, where the kids 'paddle' became a full-on dip. I came home in a singlet top, having given my hoodie to K. S got her mum's top. I was wearing teething rusk, sand and woodchips, along with baby slobber. Very attractive ensemble, non?

Brought them home, ran them a bubble bath, fed them, loaded Mouse into the stroller for a wee walk around the block (where he fell asleep), watched Bolt with K & S, then Mouse was awake, so they all went home.

I was utterly buggered!

Today, My Heart Finally Broke

2010-03-23T20:09:00.000+11:00

Yes folks, I made it to almost 40 without a major heartbreak being intentionally caused by someone I love. And, if I am honest, I can't really be sure that it IS intentional.

But I digress. Mr14 has been shocking of late, violent, withdrawn at times and abusive a LOT of the time. We know what was behind it, we have been trying for months to get a doctor to listen, so we could get a diagnosis. In the past 5 days (including the weekend) I have had 3 phone consults, and 2 face-to-faces with different doctors. All agree. He is suffering from depression, anxiety and PTSD. This I already knew.

What I didn't know, and neither did The Mister, is that we can't do anything about it. Treatment is optional. He has to want to go, or take the pills. We can't even get him properly assessed without his agreeing, which he refuses to do. He only went to the doctor for a follow-up on his tonsilitis that took 3 lots of antibiotics to kill.

He announced this morning that he is leaving when he turns 15 in 6 weeks time. I was/am devastated. I love my son. But I am not all that sorry at this latest development. The person living in my home, inhabiting my son's body, is not my son. He is a stranger, one who frightens me. I fear for my son. He is in danger from not only the scum who lurk around every corner in this sink hole, but also from the stranger making his decisions, and telling him they are his own.

My heart is breaking at the fact that I am going to have to let him go, physically, at 15. And at the fact that, in a lot of ways, my son has already left. It is killing me. But living like we are, in constant fear of another blow-out, is killing me even more. The stress is causing major physical symptoms, and if I don't do something soon, I will land back in hospital. And this time, I have no reserves of energy or determination to get me through. They were all used a long time ago.

I am sitting here with tears streaming down my face. I am not writing this to ask for sympathy, empathy or any goddamn thing else. I am writing this to help me accept what is going to happen. I am scared beyond belief for my son, but I am more scared of the stranger wearing his skin.

Oh, Be Hanged

2010-03-20T20:49:00.000+11:00

It looks like we are going to have a hung parliament, with the Greens holding the balance of power.

This is my worst nightmare, even worst than the ALP being returned - this is the party who gave us Shreddergate, jobs for the boys, stripped funding from regional hospitals with the intent of building a super-hospital in the capital (which isn't happening, because there is no money left), and claimed ownership of the Hawks - they are NOT the Tassie Hawks, but the ALP's Hawks - the citizenry may claim them when they are winning, or when we want to pay money into the coffers of the Government and the club, but otherwise, no.

For the record, I voted Liberal, #1 vote went to the new guy, a local businessman who funded his own campaign, and was harpooned for it in the local papers, because, wait for it...................... he had more money to spend on advertising that some other candidates, and that made for a non-level playing field. Oh the horror!

Pray for me.

Not Happy Nan!

2010-03-18T16:52:00.001+11:00

My First Time...............

2010-03-18T11:23:00.000+11:00

.........giving blood was this morning. I have always avoided it on medical advice - my blood pressure has a tendency to suddenly decide that it wants to go subterranean. My GP retired recently, and the new doctor told me that so long as I am careful I will be fine.

I am very excited about this, I think it's important to do what we can for those less fortunate. I have been a card-carrying organ donor for years, and regularly discuss the concept with my family.

I must admit though, when I saw how low my BP was (97 over 61), I understood why the doctor was wary. But the staff were lovely, they kept a close eye on me, and made me sit for a bit longer than normal afterwards, taking my BP again before I left.

I go back for Round 2 on June 10.